Chronicles of a Chubby Mexican Girl

Say what?!?!?!

2012-02-11T10:39:00.001-08:00

So I don't think anyone comes on here anymore but for those that do....

Happy Birthday Ruby - January 7, 2011

2012-01-07T07:28:00.000-08:00

Continuation from January 6, 2011 (posted yesterday)

January 7, 2011. Morning came and nothing was happening. The medicine had been administered quite a few times that night. My big brother stopped by for a visit with some flowers and some much needed water. The nurse changed. The night nurse made sure to share my story. Suzanne was the day nurse. She explained to us again what would happen. They upped the dosage and at that point I asked for medicine for the “unpleasantries”. She gave it to me. Hesitant but she did. Again, I’ll spare you with why she hesitated. She administered the medicine to induce a few times that day as well. The contractions now started to get stronger. She gave me something for the pain. As soon as I took that they became even stronger. She came back with more pain meds along with the anesthesiologist who would give me the epidural should I choose to have one. I took the pain pill, the anesthesiologist still standing in the door way and with that, the pain was stronger and out Ruby came. 2:27 PM. 10 oz. 9.5” I looked at Alfonso’s tear stained face. The nurse opened up the sac, took her out, wrapped her in a blanket and handed her to me. My sweet child. She had my fingers. My lips. Alfonso’s nose. I kissed her and smelled her and stared and stared and stared. We were smiling and crying and crying and smiling. She was amazing. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. My Dr. came and went. I had to take medicine for the nausea and vomiting (yeah I shared that one) that the pain meds had given me. The nurse took Ruby to take photos of her. My dear friend Gaby came to see us for a little while. When she left, the nurse came back with Ruby and we again sat with her. We took our own pictures. None. NONE. None make her look the way she did in person. I sang “You Are My Sunshine” to her. I talked to her. I asked her to take care of her big brother and us. I thanked her for choosing us. I never asked why. We inhaled her. Every bit of her. She amazed us. Shifts were changing, Suzanne came in and hugged us goodbye. Wished us well. We thanked her for her compassion and all of her help. We were told we could stay as long as we wanted. We sat with Ruby longer and decided it would be best to part and say goodbye to her little body. They took her and brought us a small pink box that contained the clothes they took her pictures in, a tiny diaper, a crocheted angel and a tiny ring. They also gave us an envelope that had information about loss and that contained her footprints. We got our stuff and they wheeled me out. Alfonso, our pink box and I.

That’s not how it’s supposed to happen. You’re not supposed to leave without your baby. We now had to tell everyone that knew we were pregnant that we were no longer. I would have to go back to work and face the looks of pity. I would have to face life knowing that my body didn’t do what it was supposed to do. Protect my child.

Ruby forever changed us. I’ll speak for myself, I see the world with a whole new set of eyes. I’ve always seen pregnancy as a miracle but more so now. There is no “safe” period with a pregnancy. You’re not any safer after the first trimester. I don’t take any moment for granted. The smiles in our pictures that once told a story now tell a different one. My normal became a “new normal”. My sadness became a part of my life. A part of my life that I have learned to live with. I’m more cautious on who I share my heart with. I just made myself sound bitter. I’m not. Unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to explain. There’s not a day that goes by, that, that little girl doesn’t cross my mind. A small whining session turns into “Shut up Yamell. You’re blessed. It could always be worse.”

This year has been a rough journey. One that has tested me. One that has strengthened my relationship with Alfonso. One that has made me a better human being. There have been many tears. What counts though, is that I’m able to smile. I have smiled. I have a son that needs me to be strong and set an example. Being sad isn’t a weakness and I’ll never teach him that but walking through the journey that is grieving is what he’ll see. He’ll see that no matter what obstacle hits Mommy and Daddy that we’ll walk through it. Together. With God and each other. Because after every storm there is a rainbow. We are each other’s rainbows. That’s what we’ll take with us forever.

Thank you for letting me share my story. I know it’s a long one and has the potential to be longer. No story could capture every moment that we lived. My memory and my heart will continue to hold it all.

Mi querida Ruby, telling you I love you wouldn't touch how I really feel. We talk about you daily. Your little brother blames you for his foolishness. You're with us. Today we will visit you at the cemetery and share a special treat with you. Today we will honor you with everything we do. Visiting a new baby, donating money to another baby Ruby, one that is struggling in the hospital, we will light a sky lantern and send it your way, we will continue on our journey to love each other more. To complain less, but most of all to not let your loss be something we talk about with our head down. We are proud of you. We are blessed that the 22 weeks you gave us will affect us for a lifetime. Thank you for your guiding light and those daily reminders. I love you sweet Ruby. I love you.

January 6, 2011

2012-01-06T19:53:00.000-08:00

I promised myself that I would write her story by her 1st birthday. It’s easier to tell people about it than it is to write about it. Writing forces you to sit with your thoughts. So here it is. The story of Ruby.

Today marks one year that we heard the news that would change our lives forever. I was 22 weeks pregnant with my baby girl Ruby. Her name was going to be LuzBelen Ruby. My grandmother had passed away 3 days before Christmas. Her name was Luz. We thought it’d be special to name her after my Grandma.

January 6, 2011. I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was a normal day for me. I hadn’t felt her move for a few days but I hadn’t started tracking because it wasn’t time yet. I think in my heart I knew but was too scared to face what destiny had in store. I followed my normal weekday routine. Got myself and Diego ready for our day and went to work. That day I had a Dr.’s appointment. I told Alfonso he didn’t have to go because I was sure everything would be fine. I was seeing a Perinatologist in addition to my OB. For various reasons; age, prior pregnancy (Diego was a preemie), and a previous surgery. I left work early, arrived at the Perinatologist’s office and they took me back to do a routine ultrasound. One tech came in because of a duplicate test my Dr. did, they wanted to take precaution. This tech was sent in by the Geneticist. It was silent. I don’t know how long. My other ultra sounds looked so different. I knew something was wrong but prayed silently … “Diosito, acepto lo que me de. Sin preguntas. Lo dejo en su voluntad.” (God, I accept what you give me. Without questions. I’ll leave it in your hands.”) She clicked the heart beat button and what I saw was flat. She cut it off and said “I’ll be right back. Let me go get Dr. Bohman.”

Again, I prayed the same prayer and I made plans on where Diego would spend the night. What I would say when I called work. HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO TELL ALFONSO? I was calm. The nightmare begins. The Dr. came in with the Geneticist. They all silently viewed the ultrasound. The Dr. finally spoke when he walked over to me along with the u/s tech and the Geneticist, he put his hand on my arm and said words I’ll never forget, “I’m sorry. It appears your baby has passed. These things sometimes happen and we just don’t know why. Sometimes after they’re born you can tell.” They all then put their hands on me and tried to comfort me. They left the room for me to get dressed. The Geneticist and Dr. came back and told me what steps we’d be taking next. The Dr. planned and scheduled me to go to the hospital that night where they’d induce labor. Lori (the Geneticist) sat with me while I cried. She gave me a little care package that included a candle, tea, an essential oil spray and a book on miscarriages to help me feel better. My Dr. walked me out, the back way, so I wouldn’t have to see all the happy, still pregnant with live babies, women. He hugged me and asked me if I was sure I was going to be able to drive. I was. After all, I was numb. The Dr.’s office is quite a ways from my house. I didn’t stop for gas that morning because as always, I was running late for work. So I was left alone with my thoughts that long drive home and with a stop for gas to be made. I wished the whole way home that Alfonso wouldn’t call me to see how it went. He didn’t. Thank goodness. All I could think of was when we miscarried at 12 weeks how devastated he was when I delivered the news. Now at 22 weeks when we’ve found out the gender, we’ve made plans, we’ve imagined our life with her and Diego. I’d felt her move, we’d bonded. I had to tell the man with the biggest heart that my body had failed me. Again. I had to disappoint a big brother to be. The drive was eternal.

I parked, took a deep breath, got my stuff and walked in. Diego and Alfonso were laughing and playing in the kitchen. Alfonso was standing at the sink, washing dishes for me, for us I guess. He turned his head with the biggest smile, the big smile that greets me daily. I had to break his heart. I said while my voice cracked and I swallowed back tears “She’s dead.” He answered, “Que?”. “Ya se murio” I cried and bent over a chair holding back tears. He walked over to me and gave me a hug. We cried together. Diego stood between us and asked why we were crying. I didn’t answer. It wasn’t the time. Alfonso and I sat and talked and planned again, where Diego would go and started to pack for the hospital. I called to tell my parents what had happened and to ask them to please take Diego for the night, or next few nights as we weren’t sure how it would work. My Dad happened to answer the phone. I couldn’t get the words out. My grief had overcome me and the Daddy-Daughter relationship took over. I wanted him to be my hero and make it all go away like when I was a little girl. He couldn’t understand anything I was saying. He asked if it was okay to come over and was here in what seemed like two seconds.

Alfonso went in to shower and my Dad arrived. Right away he asked where Alfonso was. I told him in the shower. He moved my paperwork and other junk that had accumulated on the couch and sat down. He patted the cushion next to him and asked me to sit. I sat right next to him. He said “Ok m’ija. Ahora dime.” (Ok daughter, now tell me) So I did. Again, I said “Ya se murio.” (She died) He put his arm around me and I laid my head on his shoulder and cried. He cried with me and said “What can we do for you?” I asked if they’d take Diego for the night or nights to come. He said, “Of course, but what can we do for YOU?” “Nothing Dad, just be there.” He told me to have faith in God. I did. I do. We sat in silence. It was a special moment between my Dad and I. He didn’t surprise me with his actions but it was a side of my Dad that I had never seen. Such a tender moment. He knew the right things to say. He didn’t say too much. He said just enough. Made me feel loved. He didn’t stay long because my Mom was at home worried. She didn’t come with him because at the time she had hurt herself on the way back from my Abuelita Luz’s funeral.

I made more phone calls. We got ourselves ready to go and we were shortly on our way. We dropped Diego off at his Mami Martha’s and Honey’s house. My sweet Diego. He didn’t want to go. He cried and cried. It tore me to pieces. My Mom and Dad gave us their blessing and the warmest hugs anyone could ever receive and again, we were on our way. On the way Alfonso and I talked in between moments of silence and tears. We told ourselves that if it was only meant to be with Diego then that’s the way it would be. He supported me when I told him that I wasn’t sure I wanted to try again. My heart is fragile. He reassured me that whatever is meant to be will be.

We arrived at the hospital checked me in and a nurse was in, in no time. Unfortunately for her, no one had told her my story. So she made some comments that were probably a little inappropriate however, I’m not of the sensitive nature. I wasn’t offended. She asked if I had any other children, I told her a boy. She said “Good. Now you’ll have you’re boy and girl.” “Not quite. This one isn’t coming home with us.” I told her. Her demeanor changed and she apologized throughout the evening. I felt guilty for having to be the one to tell her. Tell someone, yet again. She started the process to what would be a long night. She explained that some women fall asleep and deliver while they’re sleeping. I was concerned because I had a c-section with Diego and was told that I would probably have to have one again. I wasn’t sure how this was going to work. The medicine they gave me had a pleasant side effect. I won’t share. You’re welcome. Alfonso’s brother and sister in law came for a brief visit. We appreciated the support. When the private moments started is when they left.

Alfonso and I talked and we decided her name would be Ruby. To name her after my Abuelita Luz who had just passed would be too much. Ruby. She was Ruby from the beginning. We also talked about whether we were going to hold her and see her. At first I was hesitant. How would I take it? Would it be traumatic? Alfonso told me he wanted to see her, he didn’t want us to live with “I wonder’s”. Additional ones that is. So the nurse came in and without hesitation when she asked if we would want to hold her and see her, I immediately said yes. She assured me that was the right decision. Told me that there hadn’t been one person that had ever regretted that decision but on the other hand those that chose to not see their child lived with regret. We didn’t want to live with that additional guilt.

Content

2011-11-26T20:06:00.001-08:00

I've been off work for one week. I don't want to go back. I've also done absolutely nothing since yesterday. And I'm not ashamed. I'm not the type of person (nor have I ever been) to feel like I need to keep busy. I sometimes wish I was, but I'm not. I'm a homebody. Power to the people.

I'm sitting here watching Diego play with a balloon. Um I'm not sure where it came from but he has one.

We're all doing something different.

I was just reminiscing with Alfonso about when we were dating and how we would just hide away and do random stuff. One time I took a jug I that TGIF's drink stuff. Orange Dream to be exact. We drank that stuff and sat and listened to music and chatted and it was just delightful. I wish I has some of that drink now.

My point is that some times I complain about this boring life but most of the time there's nowhere I'd rather be.
I mean who doesn't like a balloon bouncing off of their head while they're trying to blog?

PS- please excuse the typo's. It's hard to write on the phone.

The past

2011-11-25T10:44:00.001-08:00

Isn't it funny how sometimes people base judgements on us based on "knowing" us in the past and not who we are today. We just have to shrug it off and feel sorry for them because while we're looking to our brighter future they're still living in their tortured past.

There's this girl I know, who always makes these indirect comments. Telling my husband he'll get "in trouble" for doing something or taking a jab at my kid for one reason or another. The thing is she's so obsessed with my life and everyone else's that she fails to learn and grow. She still sees things from a 20 year old perspective. She likes to gossip and befriend my friends so that she can then bad mouth me to the point where they end up being her friends and not mine. Not every one falls for it though. I guess one man's trash is another man's treasure. You know what they say keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. ;)

Thankful

2011-11-24T08:32:00.001-08:00

#1 – God – I know you’re there. No one has a sense of humor like you. Thank you for everything you’ve put in my life. Good, bad and everything in between. Thank you for the life lessons. I will continue to let your light guide me through my life. I’ll do my best to never let you down but will always be the best person that I can be. I may not visit your house that often but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you it just means that you need to shine your light in my eyes in the morning so I can get up. Please give me energy. Oh and patience. Amen.

#2 – My health – Hey who knew a chubby girl could be so healthy right? I’m grateful for my health. For without it I couldn’t be grateful for the 35 other things below and God above (literally, literally).

#3 - Alfonso – Man you get on my nerves like nobody's business but the truth is, I could never live without you. You're my constant. The one who sticks by me when things are dark. The one who laughs and never flinches at my vulgarity. The one who takes the brunt of my frustration with such calmness and without causing me bodily harm. You play with my hair when I cry and you make me hug you when you see that I'm falling to pieces. Not many men react to things the way that you have. You faced our new life head on right beside me. You let me talk about Ruby whenever I want. You celebrate her the way that we should and you never once told me how I should grieve. You don't judge me ever, not even when I haven't showered for days. You tell me when I'm wrong and you give me the look of death when you've had enough of my bull. You, not once have tried to change me. You've accepted and supported me. The me, I'm always working to change. You're the one person (besides Diego) that's always there. I'm so glad I waited for you. I don't care if I was already old and my ovaries were drying up, I'm glad I waited. I love you so much Papito.

#4 – Diego – This kid is my sunshine. He’s my rainbow after the storm. In more ways than one. His smile can light up a room and his spirit touches my core. We’re connected like no one can imagine and I adore this kid. His sense of humor is one of a kind. We like to sing “We’re the 2 best friends that anybody could have, we’re the 2 best friends that anybody could have” and when we notice Daddy feels left out we say we’re the 3 best friends. Which honestly is the truth. I love you for being 5 and remembering you have a sister. You include her in all that we do and remember her all the time. You have the biggest heart and sweetest disposition. May no one ever change you. And always remember, that I love you no matter what! No matter who you choose to love, no matter what grades you bring home (i mean you still better bring home some good grades kid!). I love you without conditions. And that's the truth son!

#5 – Ruby – My sweet Ruby. You opened my eyes to so many things. I feel your spirit around us. Around your brother. I’m grateful for all you have brought to my life unexpectedly. I’m grateful for the 22 weeks we shared. You my love, are so many things to me. You've taught me that I need to stick true to who I am. Accept no BS from anyone. Life is short and never a guarantee. You've taught to take my life one day at a time. Remember Ruby, don't be sad when I cry. I cry because I love you and because I miss you. I cry because I'm selfish and would rather have you here with me. Logically, I know you're in good hands and that you watch over us. Selfishly, I want to see your smile and smell your baby scent. Either way, if asked to do it again, I would in a heartbeat. With the same outcome. Thank you my love. For my new normal. Normal is I wouldn't give back my 22 weeks I shared with you because sometimes love is so great that saying hello and goodbye in the same moment is worth it.

#6 Family – These crazy folks. Sarcasm runs deep at the Vidaña household. These fools are my lifeline. The best support group anyone could have. I’m grateful for their health.

#7 - Friends – Past, Present and Future – Past – You made me see what I truly don’t want in a friendship. You pushed me towards freedom and made me realize that who I was then is who I will never be again. Present – Some of you encompass all 3. You’re the ones I call at 3 am crying because … well just because I feel like it. You’re the ones that know that honesty is best when it comes to me no matter how bad it hurts. You’re the ones that know that I don’t sugar coat and that if you want lies you better be calling someone else. You’re the ones that love me just as I am. You know that under my hard exterior I have a heart of gold and I’m emotional beyond words. Future – You don't know me yet. But to know me is to love me. ;-)

#8 – MOM – You fall under family but you need your own separate area. You’ve helped me raise my son. You love him as your own. Who does that? You do. Because that’s how great you are. Thank you Mom for being all that you are to me. For being my paño de lagrimas and for getting on my nerves. Because if you didn’t get on my nerves, I wouldn’t learn so much and I wouldn’t always say “bien que me dijo mi Ma.” Te amo Mami.

#9 – DAD – Again, falls under family but man this dude is UH-MAZING! When I least expected it but most needed it he surpassed ALL expectations. He hugged me and didn’t need to say a thing. Gracias Pa. You were MY angel when I lost my angel. Your unconditional love is just that unconditional. I love you. (he’s the one that made me think of making this list – just by watching him come back home from a walk)

#10 - Co Parent – Thank you for all that you do. For being Mom when I can’t be. And probably doing a better job than I. For teaching my son so many things that I would have never thought of. For teaching him culture, science, choices, etc. etc. etc. THANK YOU! (Diego is no longer in her care, however, I'm still thankful. Thankful because she showed me how I don't want my son to be cared for. I want my son by acts of love and compassion. She forced me to put my ass in gear and search for somewhere where he would thrive. And that he has. So I'm thankful)

#11 - Random I Love you’s – Holy cow! I love these. No explanation needed. A random I love you can solve all that is wrong with the world.

#12 - Settling – Waiting to get married. I mean men were throwing offers at me left and right because they were all ready for this jelly. Okay not really. But I’m glad I didn’t marry the first lelo that asked me. I knew in my heart of hearts and my infinite wisdom that I wasn’t going to settle. I didn’t and I won the lottery. I settled for nothing less than fireworks, puppies and rainbows.

#13 – A new bond with another grieving mother – This friendship to me is special. Thank you for your honesty. Your TRUE honesty. For putting things into perspective for me. For letting me know when my lip is bleeding. For allowing me to have the most inappropriate conversations with you. Thank you for all the trust you give me and for all the love you show me. I love you.

#14 – My childhood bestie – Girllllll you’re like a sister to me. Like a sister, no, you are my sister. We’ve had a rocky relationship but with age comes wisdom and like fine wine our friendship only gets better with time. I can’t imagine life without you. I love you.

#15 – Captain and Diet (or beer, man I just can't get into the cap'n lately but I'm still trying)

#16 – Music – Music is the way to my heart.

#17 - My friends parents – These people have all been there to watch me fail and succeed. You were my parents eyes when they couldn’t be there. Thank you.

#18 – Jobs – I’m grateful for the 3 jobs I’ve had in my 37 years. I’ve learned a lot. Mostly what I don’t want to be when I grow up. That I have one that I like most days. And that I have one. Period.

#19 – Smiles – From random strangers. I like them. I also like to smile at random strangers. You never know their story and they would never know mine. But one smile from a stranger can turn my frown upside down. (remember my post from the other day. I may have a rough exterior but it doesn't mean I don't have a heart. I do. Even on the days where a smile takes so much energy. I try and smile because that may change someone's day. I know it does mine.)

#20 – Hugs – I like hugs. I’m affectionate. What can I say?

#21 – Dancing – I don’t do it enough but it’s always been one of my favorite things in the world.

#22 – Girl Scouts – “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold” I really think that song needs to be rethought but I get the intent. ;-)

#23 – My Nina – Thank you for showing me so much. Sewing. When I was little my Nina would give me sewing lessons. She gave me a sewing machine as a wedding gift. Weird gift for most. Heartfelt gift to me.

#24 – Phone calls – Man. No one makes phone calls anymore. I don’t like texting. (I really would like to stress that I'd take a phone call over a text ANY DAY! I don't like texting.)

#25 – Facebook – It’s allowed me to reconnect with some and disconnect with others. The more we connect we become disconnected.

#26 – My bed – Miss you…. (I should be in it right now. Diego was snoring in my ear and breathing his morning breath on me. His morning breath could kill a baby goat. No harm done PETA. Settle down. I live in the city where there are no baby goats. Well who knows I do live in with the Mezcans and they could be making some birria. But anyway this thankfulness was about my bed not birria or a goat or you PETA. Shoot)

#27 – Coffee – I love the taste. Too bad that for me you put me to sleep. Zzzzzzz

#28 - My suegros – You made a good man. Thank you.

#29 – Patience – I have none. But I’m grateful for those that do. Mainly my husband. He has a lot of it. He has to, to be with me. I’m grateful for what little of this that I have but consistently pray for more. (Lord knows he has some patience when he drives, holy smokes, put the pedal to the metal man. Let's go somewhere!!! That's my Lord, why I need patience. So I can survive in this world without someone wanting to hurt me)

#30 – Air conditioning – It’s hot as a mug out there. (Heater - It's cold as a mug in here)

#31 - Email – It allows me to think before I speak.

#32 – Photos – They capture all those special moments. (I need to get back on that)

#33 – Communication – You’d be surprised on how many issues can be solved with this simple tool. I over communicate sometimes (my husband would say) but hey at least you’ll always know where you stand.

#34 – Water – I love you.

#35 – Laughter. Man I loooove to laugh.

#36 – Transportation – With air conditioning (and heating. and running)

My 37 years – I’m glad I’m no longer in my 20’s. I wish I had the energy from my 20’s and the memory but knowing now what I didn’t then, surpasses everything. 20’s were about being free and single. Heartbreak, hangovers and nightlife. I’m glad I left all of that behind. I mean let’s be real, sometimes I wish I were free and single. Not for the heartbreak, hangovers and nightlife because truly who wants to see a 37 year old at the club? But for the freedom from responsibilities. 37 years though, it’s not about the years but the knowledge I’ve gained. The personal growth. The road to self-discovery. It’s never too late and I’ll never be perfect but the journey has been a good one thus far. It’s only getting better.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! We all have something to be thankful for. No matter our circumstances.

Disappointment

2011-11-12T18:50:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wish I could be a hypocrite like some of the people in my life. It would help me understand them better. Maybe it's time for their part in my story to be over. Disappointed. Again.

Mi Madre

2011-11-06T16:42:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I hear the sadness in my mom's voice. Sometimes I just want to call her and remind her that I love her. "La vida la tenemos prestada" she always says. And that's why I want her to know that she means the world to me. I get choked up thinking about these times when I want to just call and say "Te quiero mucho Mami". She'll worry. She'll end up wondering what's going on in my head. She'll find it impossible to believe it's simply because she's on my mind far more than she'll ever know.

This pic is one of my mom being silly. I wish she'd show this side of her more often.

Deep Thoughts

2011-11-06T16:19:00.001-08:00

Not to go all Oprah on you but do you ever feel like you were put on earth for a deeper purpose? I do. I just don't know what that is and maybe am too lazy to find out. I know what I'm passionate about. I know that through this last, still traveling through, hurdle, I want to be able to help people, women, couples, heal. I just don't know where to start, where to find the time or the energy. I know what I want. I guess I just HAVE to do it.

2011-09-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

I’ve felt like writing so much lately. I guess because I have so much going on in my world. Emotionally that is. We tend to write when we’re at one extreme or the other. When we’re overly joyed or overly annoyed. I struggle with moodiness so sometimes this makes me feel worse because I don’t want to give in to my moodiness.

I wrote the above paragraph probably like two months or so ago. Unfortunately for me, the only real time I get and feel inspired to write is when I’m at work. When I’m at home I have the time but there will always be interruptions.

Some days are just too much. I feel that the more time passes the sadder I get. Maybe I didn’t give myself enough time to grieve. I feel like I’m trying to get to my destination on a stationary bike.

We’re TTC. Each period I get is a reminder of how my body failed me. Failed my child.

It seems like everywhere I turn someone in my life is pregnant. I’m sincerely happy for them but can’t deal with either the constant posts on FB or the pictures of ultrasounds and my pessimistic look on life now. Thinking to myself, I wouldn’t get too excited if I were you. Until your child is safe in your arms and even then, that little miracle called life is never a guarantee. Yep, I’m Debbie Downer. Do I say that to them, no. But I do think it. All the baby shower invites. I want to say, “Don’t be offended but no. I’m happy for you and that is the truth and I’ll give you a gift but I don’t want to watch you rub your pregnant belly. I don’t.” Your life changes. Most for the better, but some for the worst. Unless you’ve lived it, you have no idea. And even if you have, we’re all different.

I miss Ruby. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. That I don’t wonder. That I don’t talk to her as if she were right next to me. I ask her for guidance. I ask her to watch over her brother.

I appreciate Alfonso so much for letting me talk about Ruby all I want. For never making me feel as though I’m crazy or I need to get “over it”. For knowing that I’m strong and that strength means having the courage to face things. Because believe me I faced this head on. And I accepted it. Had I not, I’d be in bed crying every day. The tears are now few and far between but the loss is still there. The hole in my heart is there.

I like to talk about her because she existed. She existed in every part of my being. She’s still here. In my soul. Forever.

6 months

2011-07-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

Today marks 6 months. 6 months since I said hello and goodbye to Ruby. It truly feels longer than 6 months. I still can close my eyes and replay every single moment from that dreadful evening of January 6th to the second she was born. Maybe I'll tell you my story on the year anniversary. I have an easier time vocalizing the story than writing it. Not sure why.

So many things have changed since then. I've lost 4 friendships. For the better I would say. It was long overdue. I won't go into details because some still like to lurk here and I don't want to get into a war of what's right and wrong. All I know is what's right for my life.

Remember that scene in "My Best Friend's Wedding" (ironic) where Dermot is chasing Cameron and Julia is chasing Dermot? Then she calls her best friend and he asks her "Who's chasing you?". That was what these friendships were like. No one was chasing me. I asked and referred to that scene in my head years and years in our friendship. One event was the final straw and because I'm working towards a better me, a better life, I decided that it was time to let go of the fair weather friends and time to focus more on me, my family and those that choose to be a part of me. Through the good and the bad.

I also just recently celebrated my 37th birthday. 37 years of life. Wow. I don't feel older. I feel the same. It's amazing how much faster time goes by the older I get.

Diego and I say a little prayer every day before I take him to daycare. We say "Diosito ayudenos a portarnos bien. Que esta semana se vaya rapido para estar juntos Mami, Papi y Yeyo. Cuidenos Diosito. Amen." Why I'm teaching my son to pray for time to go fast I'm not sure. He so looks forwards to weekends and being able to stay in bed but more than that to be home with Mom and Dad. He looks forward to Sundays because those are the days that I let him sleep with us. Sundays and Mondays. I let him for selfish reasons. It's so hard to get him to wind down on Sunday nights and when he sleeps with us he has an easier time falling asleep. Monday is the same thing. It's back to the routine so it can be a little hectic. Anything to make life easier right?

Diego is very good at complimenting and telling people they do a good job at something. The other day we were driving and I can't remember the specifics of what I did but the conversation went like this:

Diego: "Mom, you sure are a good driver. Papi is too."

Me: "You're such a good complimenter. That's nice m'ijo."

Alfonso: "How do you do that? Can you teach me how to be like you?"

Diego: "Papi, you just have to say nice things. You can't say things like "I hate you" because that's not nice. You just have to think with your brain and think of something nice to say."

The lesson went on for quite a bit and my eyes welled up and my heart skipped a beat. I looked over at Alfonso and he said "Isn't it amazing that he's 4 and knows this?". To me it is. He's amazing.

He's so appreciative of "things" too. Whenever he sees something new in the house (even if it's not for him specifically) he gets so emotional and shows such appreciation. He walked in to a new TV and the tears started and he ran up and hugged us and expressed so many thank you's it left us speechless. We (by we I mean Alfonso) rearranged his bedroom and he was again, in tears and couldn't thank us enough. He just gets so overwhelmed. I'd like to sit in his head for a day just to see what goes on in there at those times. Those times and when he throws a random "I love you" my way.

Despite all the challenges life brings on a daily basis, I'm grateful.

May 12

2011-04-20T16:30:00.000-07:00

May 12 is when I was due. As the date approaches my oxygen intake decreases. I was sitting yesterday and looked up at my shadow box filled with Ruby and I came to the realization that she's not going to be here. She's not. I'm never going to hear her cry or laugh or see her smile or run. Some days are so great and I know what the purpose is. Some days are so cloudy that I can't see past the sadness. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want to be able to vent to you. Ruby's purpose is greater than the sorrow. So please don't feel sorry for me. I have gained so much through the loss of my sweet Ruby. Ruby. Wow.

Sometimes I get angry because your life goes on and mine has adjusted. I have a new normal. Sometimes my new normal gets irritated with your petty gripes. Your petty gripes about your new born child crying and not letting you sleep. Your petty gripes about how you don't get a break. Your petty gripes about how you haven't showered in days. Your petty gripes about the weather or your allergies or your constipation. Crap! (no pun intended) I DON'T CARE! Because really, if I had a newborn I'd be watching her sleep. Or handing her over to Alfonso so that I could get some water. You have the option of leaving the situation you're in for a millisecond. I don't have an option. I HAVE to choose to go on and make something lovely out of the big ass lemon I was served. Or I can wallow in the negative and hate God. Which is not in me. I have a son I have to set an example for. I'm grateful for that smile full of sunshine. I'm grateful he has a sister watching over him. I'm grateful God put that test in front of me. I've inspired myself. I know I'm capable of Happiness. My new normal. Fuck the little stuff. Ruby wants me to inspire someone. Even if it's just myself.

I'm celebrating her brief existence. She may not have ever taken a breath outside of me but she has made me appreciate that I can breathe. That on days when the world makes me want to kick it in the ding ding I can either have a pity party for one or live for us all. I'd choose the latter. Any day. I'd do it again in a heart beat for you Ruby. With the same outcome.

2011-02-11T19:38:00.000-08:00

Happiness seemed like so long ago.

I can't post this on Facebook because it's taboo. I can only post about my fabulous life. Or quotes by Maya Angelou.

I'm fucking sad. And angry.

And lonely.

My heart is heavy. People try to console me. But they try to console me with changing the subject. Or putting my mind on something else. I don't want to talk about something else. Talk about her to me. Ask me questions. I know you want to. Don't be selfish. Don't avoid it because it makes you uncomfortable.

Alfonso asked me tonight what he could do. What can you do? Nothing. There's not a damn thing you can do. NOTHING! You can't bring her back. You can't make her move again. You can't bring her back to me. Not a hug. Not a kiss. Nothing will make me feel better.

Please don't look at me with pity. Please don't look surprised if after a month I'm still sad. I lost my child. I didn't lose my puppy or my long lost cousin. I lost my child. Don't be surprised that I'm sad. Don't be surprised if I cry in the middle of a song. Or if I don't want to hang out with you. Don't be shocked if I don't want to be with you on your birthday. Or go to your kids birthday. Don't compare my situation to losing a pet. Or your mom. While I know it's sad. It's not the same. I had a life inside me and now it's not there.

She was supposed to still be in my belly. She was supposed to be here with Diego. Both of them getting on my nerves.

Dang it Ruby! Why did you leave me? I miss you. I miss the heartburn. Were you scared of me? Was it something I said? I love you so much Ruby. Your little fingers. You had mommy's fingers and mommy's lips. You had daddy's nose and probably his toes.

The Promise - Tracy Chapman

2011-02-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

Diego - 4

2010-10-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

You're growing so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was holding your 5 lb 13 oz baby self. Today you're almost 4 ft tall and well weigh a lot more than 5 lb 13 oz. I still see a baby when I watch you sleep. I'm so proud of you. You're thoughtful, outgoing, well mannered and well just a joy to be around. You love music. You love to dance. You love your Daddy like nobody's business. You're affectionate. Some people would say overly affectionate but I would have to disagree. Is there such a thing? I love your hugs and your kisses and the million times a day you tell me you love me. You don't ever say it with alternative motives. Sometimes when I cry while watching Oprah or Brothers and Sisters or let's face it we can be watching Dora the Explorer and I'll cry, you wipe my tears. You lift up my glasses and wipe my tears gently. You'll whisper in my ear that everything will be okay. You love Mami Martha and Honey. They love you like their own and they should. They've raised you. I'm grateful to them for raising such a good boy. You know how to bless your self. And you like to bless your Mami Martha and Honey before you leave their house. You love everyone. May you never lose that honey. I hope you never change the sweet boy that you are. I pray nothing ever happens to you to change your gentle demeanor.
When Mommy let's you sleep in her bed you like to play with my hair until you fall asleep. You love to sing. You're so smart. You can count to 100 in both English and Spanish. You can spell your name along with a few other words. I'm not sure what I did to deserve such a great kid but it was good and I won't question. Just accept. You should never question either. Good or bad whatever comes your way, don't question, accept, learn and move on. For your birthday while most kids are so excited about gifts you walked by yours and walked by and walked by and didn't care. Material things to you are irrelevant. I had to prod you to open the gifts that your loved ones gave you. You opened were excited and oh so grateful. I got all the hugs your Aunts and Uncles and cousins should have gotten. Just today you saw the book your Uncle Joey and family gave you and you wanted to call them to thank them. Daddy looks at you with such pride in his eyes. He takes you everywhere he goes and never complains. He plays outside with you. Love is truly an understatement for what we feel for you. You like to say "Oh my gosh!" and "mmmm mmmm mmm sooo good!". Your personality is a blend of your Dad and Me. You have my stubborn ways and you have your Daddy's tenderness. I often feel like I'm a horrible Mom and you remind me I'm not. How can I be so horrible when I have a kid like you? I love you Diego. There's so much that you do that I would like to capture. I'm sorry I don't always have the time or energy to play with you. I should. I love you. I adore you. I'm so proud of the little boy you are. I will love you no matter who you choose to love. All I want is for you to be happy. I will love you no matter what career path you choose in life. All I want is for you to be happy. I will love you no matter what. No matter what.

Motivate

2010-04-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

I want to be able to maintain this. I do. I really do. I don’t always have a lot to say and when I do I don’t want to always be complaining and venting. Not that I have an image to maintain but I don’t want to put all that negativity out there.

I’m still doing the WW thing. A couple of weeks ago I lost the motivation. I’m working on getting that back. I feel like crap and I don’t want to go back up. It’s so hard. It’s such a struggle. My weight issues stem from my childhood. I have to work through all of that in addition to just controlling portions. Controlling emotions is exhausting and such a daily struggle. I often wonder if I’m alone. Everyone, my whole life has always told me how moody I am. Which by the way doesn’t help me. It’s like telling me I’m fat. How does that help me? I’m not sure so rethink your approach. I’ve lost 33 and probably gained back 5 in the last week. The motivation loss started when the weather started getting warmer and things slowed down at work. I want to be home or outside (not hiking or fishing or bike riding) playing with Diego or watching him play but I don’t really want to be here. I have to get that motivation back. They say with weight loss you gain energy. I haven’t gained a damn bit of energy. WW says to eat filling foods and you won’t feel hungry. I feel hungry damn it! I feel hungry and like taking a nap. I’m putting it out there to whoever is listening – I NEED MOTIVATION!!!!

Diego is growing like crazy. I guess kids do that. He’s becoming a rebelde. Testing my patience. Every. Day. 99% of the time he’s a good kid. Right now he’s at the stage where he talks. Non stop. Non.Stop. Not too long ago I enrolled him in a sports class with the county. $18 for 6 weeks. Not bad. They do a different sport every week. He wants it to be basketball every week and then we get home and he tries to teach me stuff. At least he gets to play with kids. Sometimes I feel bad because he’s either with my parents or with Alfonso and I so he doesn’t get that interaction with kids his age. Then other times I see kids his age and I don’t want him to interact with them. They’re sponges. They take on everyone else’s personality. Some personalities don’t need to be taken on. On the 14th he starts a ballet folklorico class. I’m sooo excited about that one. Before he was born or even a premonition I wished that one of my nieces or nephews would want to do that. That was a no go. So I’m so glad that I can have him at least test the waters. I really hope he enjoys it. He’s such a fun kid. Such a bright personality. I’m not saying that just because I’m his mom.

We’ve taken on many much needed home projects. I didn’t know they’d be such a headache. They’re almost done though. Gracias a Dios. Just need the house painted and that part will be done. Then is the landscaping. AY AY AY! Our floors are disgusting but what’s the sense in keeping it up when the workers aka Alfonso keep walking in and out all day.

Alfonso. He’s good. He, like Diego, tests my patience. He helps. He helps a lot more than most men. I’m appreciative of that. He just doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. Pobrecito. I try to give him hints but he just doesn’t know how to follow through. In talking to other women I guess it’s not uncommon. Come on guys put some pep in your step. You want more nooky well give us some romance. I don’t care so much about candy and flowers. You should never buy a big girl candy anyway. I want you to plan the date, find a sitter and take me out. I’m tired of planning stuff. I think all damn day long, every day. It’s your turn. I make decisions for the family every damn day. It’s your turn. Use your cabezita a little. Holy smokes.
I love him with or without his romantic bone.
Overall. I’m happy. I’m blessed. (Have you noticed that word is overused these days?) I hope you are too.

Diego - Single Ladies

2010-03-11T15:22:00.000-08:00

Validation

2009-09-15T07:35:00.001-07:00

I’m proud that after being married and having a child I put Yamell Vidaña first. Without Yamell Vidaña none of this came to be. I must first love who I am before I can be any good to my husband and before I can be any good to my son. I’m proud of that. I don’t put Mami ahead of Me. I don’t put Wife ahead of Me. I put Me first then Wife then Child.

As a parent you always feel like you could have done a better job. I'm fairly new to this whole being a parent experience. For me it's difficult. It's the toughest job. I leave the house all day to work outside of my home. I see my son for a few hours before it’s time for the bedtime routine. I live with the guilt of not being with him these very special years. He’ll never know or understand the guilt I feel. He’ll never know how I always feel like a failure as a Mom. Don’t get me wrong I know I do a good job. Could I do better? Hell yes. It’s something I work towards daily. Could I be perfect? Definitely not.

Why are we as parents our own worst critics? Whether it’s potty training, sippy cups, discipline, foods, routines, bedtimes, etc. Someone is always there to remind you, you can do better. Because they think they have. Remember your way is not always the better way. Your experience is not always the better experience. Your adventures in parenthood will not always be mine. And mine will not always be yours. Most of us do our best. That’s all we can do and that’s what we must remind ourselves of.

Where this whole long story is bringing me to is this. There are so many things I’m grateful for. There are so many moments where I wonder “does Diego really love me?”. I ask myself this because for some reason being loved helps you feel validated. It’s such an adrenaline filled feeling. Yesterday and today before I left Diego cried. “Mami no te vayas. Acuestate Mami”. (Mommy don’t leave. Lay down Mommy). While it broke my heart (see part about feeling guilty), he made me feel needed and loved. Like I’m doing my job right. Today I feel loved.

None

2009-08-25T19:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in an eternity. I thorry. It's not because I've been busy it's just because I lack interest. When I feel the umph I don't have the time nor the energy to get this party started.

My baby will be 3. THREE! TRES! WTF?! Where did time go? He's crazier than ever. It's true what they say about boys. We didn't go through any terrible 2's. The crazy ass 3's are starting. He's a pain in the arse. He has the best personality. Like his mom. Okay no but seriously he does have a great personality. He knows how to laugh at himself when he knows he's being silly. He's bilingual. (I'm trying to write right this second and was just interrupted. see I'm not just making excuses. How would these people make it if I didn't exist? I hope the magnet falls off my ass soon.) Sorry lost my train of thought. Point is my kid is great. When he's sleeping and occasionally when he's awake. I joke. He's great and his smile lights up my world.

I joined Weight Watchers in June. I've lost slowly but I've lost. I don't want to give up the only thing that makes me happy. Liquor. I feel better.

In October will be 5 years that Alfonso and I decided to join our hands in holy matrimony. 5 years! Damnnnnnnn! I don't know how I've done it. Seriously. I don't know how he's done it. My patient lover! We've decided that we want to renew our vows. Some people think it's too soon. I say hey man. I love this fellar and he loves me. We've been married for almost 5 and together for 12. In just the 5 years we've loved, lost, sacrificed and learned the meaning of unconditional love. We've miscarried. We've suffered illnesses (minor) and are still attracted to each other after all we've seen. ;-) We've had a child and learned what it means to love endlessly. We've struggled and triumphed financially. Most of all we've had each other and loved each other through all of it.

I see that our petty fights over what fast food place we're going to stop at or why he's always gotta be falling asleep everywhere are just that. Petty. I admit it. It's admitting you're wrong and being able to say you're sorry. It's being honest even when it hurts. It's loving each other even when your gas is so bad you can clear out a neighborhood block. It's him taking care of me after my c-section. Being comfortable with him and knowing that no matter what he sees he's still going to think his wife is the hottest chick on the planet. It's looking at him and saying "Damn. You're all mine sucka!". It's seeing the look in his eye when our son does something extraordinary. It's seeing his facial expression when he's proud of me. It's the butterflies I still get when I know it's time to come home and he's going to be here waiting for me. It's looking at each other with tears in your eyes and silence. No words need to be said because you already know what the other is thinking.

I don't need 10, 15, 25 or 50 years to tell me what I know now. I love this man and he loves me. I'd marry him time and time again.

Feliz Dia de las Madres

2009-05-10T16:11:00.001-07:00

Happy Mother's Day!

Bag

2009-04-25T08:37:00.001-07:00

I'm not a bag person. Mainly because I'm not one of those people that think it's practical to carry a $200 bag. To most it's about status. Buttttt I saw this bag and I want it. It's no big brand because that ain't me and it's out of my price range but IIIIII LOOOOOOVEEEEE IT. I can't find it online and it's at select Macy's only. If you see it buy it for me... I'll pay you back. I promise... Damn I love it.

Orgullosa

2009-04-13T19:52:00.001-07:00

Te miro mi amor y sin q me digas nada siento tu desesperacion. Te lo he dicho y te seguire diciendo q me siento orgullosa de ti. Me case contigo porq te amo. Porq en ti miro mi futuro y encontre mi destino. Porq nuestro amor es poderoso. No te desesperes mi amor. Encontraras trabajo. Eres un hombre trabajador y esto no te lo quita. No eres menos hombre ni mal esposo o padre. Diosito sabe porq hace las cosas y juntos saldremos adelante. Tienes mi apoyo. Hoy, mañana, y siempre. Te amo.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T13:09:00.001-07:00

Happy Easter to all that celebrate it.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Moi

2009-03-29T20:54:00.001-07:00

Diego slept in his big boy bed in his big boy room for the first time Friday night. All by himself. Yay Diego.

In other news the hard working, tall, dark, and handsome man that sleeps in my bed was laid off. That was the reason for the prayers. Nothing life threatening just a little spirit breaking. We weren't sure how it was all going to go so I didn't want to say anything but looks like its for reals. (I said reals intentionally) He's a little sad because he's a man and how is he supposed to provide for his family. Well luckily for us I work too but he makes double what I make so we'll be on the beans and potatoes diet.

Thank you for the prayers. We all need them these days.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Better days ahead

2009-03-22T16:51:00.001-07:00

I started to post and was interrupted by a "Hi Mami". I thought he was waking up from his nap. I walked in and he was fast asleep.
So now I'm limited to this phone that's too small for my big ass hands.

I want the cricut expression. Looks like a cool ass gadget.

Looks like I like the word ass today.

I like to watch people walk by. I don't get walking and texting though. I'd trip n fall.

I have a great story for you. I won't go into detail on here because I'm scared she's so psycho she'll find my blog and it's too much for me to type on a berry.

Keep us in your thoughts and/or prayers. I'll tell you more when I can sit at the keyboard.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Awesome

2009-03-15T14:17:00.001-07:00

You just said cool and awesome. And that's just what you are.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

God bless him

2009-03-08T14:00:00.001-07:00

God bless my husband always.
I'm not sure what I've done to deserve him but it must have been great. He never ceases to surprise me.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Bachelor Part 3

2009-03-03T07:32:00.001-08:00

I had a dream last night. I was dating him. WTF?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Bachelor Part 2

2009-03-02T22:50:00.001-08:00

He says like, like a lot.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Bachelor

2009-03-02T22:33:00.001-08:00

He's gettin' on my nerves. I used to think he was hot but he seems to put on the water works for the camera.

Ay ya cayate chillon.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Hi

2009-03-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

I'm well. I hope you weren't worried.

I wish I could find time to keep up with this but it's almost impossible. Between work and home and all things in between it's too hard to find the energy to write. My mind goes blank and I really don't know what to tell you.

I'd love to chronicle Diego's milestones and the things he says and does on a daily basis. I'd love it. I can't do it.

I'd love to write about how exciting my life is. I can't do it. Mainly because it's not very exciting and I don't think you'd like to read about the laundry that's never ending and that the dish washer runs way more often than I do.

I'd love to write about how down I've been for over a month now but I don't want it in writing. Not on here. Every day is a struggle. In no way am I saying I'm depressed but I'm disappointed. Know that my husband is great and so is my son. It has everything to do with me and nothing to do with them.

I'd love to write about how my mom has had a lot to do with the person I am today. I'd love to say it has had only a positive impact. It hasn't. I can't place sole blame on her because I have the power to change it now.

I am happy and excited to say that this weekend I've been happier than I have been in a few weeks.

I don't share my feelings well because it really doesn't do any good. More often I end up feeling alone, so I just keep it to myself or let it out on my husband. God bless him for the burden he carries on his shoulders every day. For him I am truly grateful.

I always talked shit about Myspace. I still do.

I'm on Facebook. I think you know my name. Look me up if you'd like or e-mail me and I'll tell you my name. ;-)

Thanks for listening. I hope I have more to post soon. I just had a free second for once in a long time and I thought I'd let you know that I'm still alive and kickin'. Not so much kickin' but I'm alive and that's great!

Honored

2009-01-20T12:07:00.001-08:00

I'm at a loss for words. To be a witness to such a momentous occasion is such an honor. Today in fact is a brand new day. Never in my life have I been so proud to call myself an American.

Alcoholic?

2009-01-11T21:29:00.001-08:00

How come if you say you're having a glass of wine and watch the tube it sounds sophisticated but if you say you're going to have a cocktail you sound like an alcoholic?

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Musica

2009-01-08T12:08:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

As you can tell, I just don't feel like it these days. For a long time actually. I'd like to find time to do it every day. Maybe like Rev Run while sitting in my bath tub. My fingers hurt though and I almost go into full blown anxiety attack when trying to post from the phone. I'll try taking a Xanax next time prior and see how it works out.

I started to write something oh 3 months ago or so and my e-mail deleted the draft. It was about Diego and all the things he says now but they change so quickly that it'd be dumb to post it now anyway. He says EVERYTHING. If I say it he repeats it. He says, please and thank you. Very nice young man. He kisses every part of my face before bed. More importantly, he does the sign of the cross before bed. He also does it to me and his Papi or his babe or Poncho whatever he chooses to call him that day. Then we say our I love you's and he says I wu or mucho, like te quiero mucho, but he shortens it. He's cool like that. Then he says Mami mucho? As in does Mami love him mucho. I say si, Mami te quiere mucho, Papi mucho? Nino mucho? So he wants to know if everyone loves him. You get the point right? His shows of choice are Yo Gabba Gabba and Hi-5. He’s not into cartoons just yet. He learned to tap his head and rub his belly from watching Hi-5. There’s so much he does. He’s sick right now with an ear infection. He takes his medicine like a champ. He’s always been so good at not fighting me on that. He’s poo’d in the potty twice. Not since like 2 weeks ago though (12/22 & 12/23). Since he’s been sick he really hasn’t wanted to look at the potty. He’s now 2. He turned 2 on October 1. Christmas was a good time. He’s interested in the boxes more than the gifts. Next year he should be so excited about what’s in the boxes and more importantly, all that Christmas entails. Jesus, family, etc. As I think of more stuff, I’ll add it or not which is probably more accurate. I’m a horrible mom.

We also celebrated our 4 year anniversary this year. A’s birthday was also celebrated.

My friend had a baby on Friday, A’s cousin’s wife (cousin-in-law?) had her baby on Tuesday. Lots of babies. Congratulations to both. Hope you’re getting your z’s and losing your minds.

We didn’t have a baby. There’s not one in the belly either. I swear I get asked when we’re having our next one if not once a week maybe a little more. So I’ll answer it for you now. Maybe this year. With the economy being the way it is, it scares me a little. I don’t want the new child (should we be blessed with a 2nd) to not have the same things that Diego had. I want them both to be equally spoiled. That’s the set back for me. There are others as well but that’s not for today. Having a child is the hardest job ever. You have to have energy at all times. I don’t have that right now. As I said, we’ll go into that another day.

Um, I took the music off because I was tired of the same songs over and over and I can’t find my password to change it. The jerks never e-mail me back either when I try and request it so off it goes. I don’t know what music I like right now anyway, unless you count the music on American Idol Encore for Wii. Then I’ll sing to you. I didn’t say it’d sound pretty.

Oh I’m sick too. For the 2nd time in 3 weeks. Yeah. How you like them apples?

OOO?

2008-12-29T12:22:00.000-08:00

Are you guys all out for the holidays? Someone post!

I'm sure you're probably saying the same about me. All 2 of you.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T18:24:00.001-08:00

Feliz Navidad everyone. I hope you're enjoying it in the company of those you love the most.

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Victory

2008-11-04T20:34:00.001-08:00

I don't normally speak politics but WE WON BABY!

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Happy Halloween!

2008-11-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

Rockin' my Vote

2008-10-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

I voted Friday. To me, it was pretty powerful shit. I won’t get all deep because sometimes I get annoyed with folks that can’t turn the depth meter off. As you can tell, I’m annoyed with it right now. So back to the voting, I cried. It was my first time ever. Yes. My first time. I know I’m 34. It was my first time. All the years past I didn’t vote because I didn’t think it mattered. Then Bush happened. I’m sorry Bush lovers (that has a dirty innuendo). The state our country is in made me anxious to vote. I have the future of all our little ones to think about now. For the better of the children, for the better of me. It’s a privilege to be able to vote. I shouldn’t pass it up. I shouldn’t take it for granted. You want to know who guided me? Mi madre. A Mexican immigrant, who speaks English with a thick accent. A Mexican immigrant who became a US citizen maybe 10-15 years ago and has been voting since. Makes me proud. She doesn’t take that privilege for granted.

Wow looks like I got deep. So deep that now I’m crying of pride in my Madre. And my Padre too. Not to mention the pride I feel in myself, the daughter of said immigrants. It wasn’t the US born folks that set the example that I should vote. It was mi madre and mi padre. Who could ask for more?

Go vote. It’s a privilege.

I WON!

2008-10-24T17:52:00.000-07:00

Gracias mi amiga Bev for this award. I shall put it on my mantle. When I get one.

In acceptance I must list six things that make me happy:

1.) Familia

2.) Friends
3.) Captain and Diet or Skinny Hazelnut lattes

4.) Cooking for the friends and family

5.) Anything that gets my creative juices flowing

6.) Musica

I’d now like to pass the award on to Ms. M., Coco and Cisco.

Voting

2008-10-24T07:46:00.001-07:00

I'm voting today for the first time.

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Too little time

2008-10-09T14:41:00.001-07:00

Everything is running together. Birthdays, anniversaries, house stuff. EVERYTHING.

I'm still overwhelmed. Work gets in the way of everything I need to get done at home.

When will I be able to balance it all?

I can pretend to be super everything but the truth is when can I get some me time?

How did my super mom do it?

She tells me to take it slow and do little at a time. But that means I get behind on other stuff. There's always laundry or dishes.

HELP!

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Bleh

2008-09-17T19:15:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling overwhelmed. Not enough space. Too much to do. I need some help.

2 years. I still don't know how to balance it all.

A typical Saturday Night

2008-09-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Bev for helping a sista out. I couldn’t get my video to save to my PC before but I could this time. WOO HOO!

This is Diego beatboxing with Biz Markie on Yo Gabba Gabba in his wife beater and diaper. That’s how we do.

I’ll see if I can get him fully clothed talking more. He sees a camera and immediately says cheese and tries to take the camera away. So we’ll try.

Happy Friday.

Thanks again Bev!

Ummmm

2008-09-07T15:38:00.001-07:00

So I signed up for mobile blogger because I thought maybe it would help me post more. I feel the most inspired when I'm not by my computer. For some reason I see my computer as an alternatr shopping method more than for writing.
It's hard to type on this here chingadera.
I have video of Diego beat boxing and dancing. I don't know how to post it. I'm challlenged. In more ways than one.

Diego is talking up a storm. He pretend argues with you in jibberish. Points, makes snapping gestures.

I'll write more when I can this is giving me anxiety.

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

1 drink?

2008-08-23T15:34:00.001-07:00

I wish I was the kind of person that could drink just one.

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Must See

2008-08-03T20:06:00.000-07:00

I forgot to tell you. Rent "La Misma Luna"("Under the Same Moon").

Beautiful story.

Big Girls Need some luvin too!

2008-08-03T14:26:00.000-07:00

That would be the title of my memoir. It's a game and I was tagged by Bev. Here's how you play...Make up your own 6 word memoir title.1. Write the title to your own memoir using 6 words.2. Post it on your blog.3. Link to the person who tagged you.4. Tag 5 more blogs.

I don't have 5 more blogs because no one really reads my blog but I have 3. Yippee!!

Ms. M
Cisco
Coco

Have at it!

I've been in a little bit of a funk lately. Wrote some stuff down because I was feeling inspired and maybe I'll post it.

Happy Sunday!

Cucha

2008-07-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

I don't have too much going on but wanted to post pics of Diego. In May he got his 2nd haircut. 2nd was a whole lot better than the 1st and much better than the do it yourselfers we did in between. He has a hair "style" but we only do that when we go out. So here are the before and after. No. The before was not a bowl cut in case it appears to be.

His new hair cut makes him look like a big boy. Ohhh me no likey big boy. He's always going to be my widdle baby.

He's talking more and more my little sponge. He watches "Hip Hop Harry" and when the big furry thing says "Now somebody scream!" Diego lifts his arms and screams. The first time he did made me laugh so hard. I need to get it on video. He also sometimes says "Keam" when he feels like it. Which is him repeating "Somebody Scream" in his own vocab. He says "cucha" for cachucha(baseball cap) and "cacha" for chancla (slippers), "cuta" for caricatura (cartoons), carro, pipi, caca. I try to remember everything but it's hard to and then when I do I can't get on here fast enough to remember. Oh yeah Elmo. He does "pon pon pon" while pushing his forefinger on to his palm. You know "pon pon pon dame un medio de jabon pa' que labe tu calzon" cagao. We added the last part but he says "cao". Okay so we're a little dirty but his calzon is sometimes caga'o. Well his diaper is anyway. We'll be potty training soon. I hope he's easy. He'll be 2 years old in 2.5 months. Time flies huh. Oh yeah he says gracias "tachias". If you sneeze he says gracias. If he sneezes he says gracias. If you burp he says it. He also says it if you give him water or he's handing you something and he takes it. Oh nice manners that kid. He must have great parents. Wink wink.

Next year we may start trying for another. It's such hard work. I may be staying home but we'll see where the economy takes us.

Isn't it funny, how your whole life is defined by constant questions? I may have already blogged about this but here it goes again. When you're in high school it starts with "you going to college?" and so forth. Then you get "when are you getting married?" Which brings me to "when are you having kids?" "When are you having another?" If you've done none of the above it's "you don't understand because you're not married or you don't have kids. If you have one it's "you don't understand because you only have 1 and 1 isn't as hard as 2" And so on and so on and so on. MF's why you gotta ask so many dang questions? I have 1 and I have 1 husband and that's good for me RIGHT NOW. I'm living in this moment and when I get to have 2 children I'll live in that moment. I'm not trying to understand having multiple children. I barely understand one. I'm happy that I leave the house and go to work but SAHM's also know that it's hard work leaving and coming back and continuing to work. I'll tell you that my work at home is a whole lot harder than the work I do when I leave but it's two different realms. Physical and mental. Sometimes mental is a whole lot harder than physical. I come home damn tired sometimes and still have to cook, clean and all that stuff. Luckily though, I have someone who helps a hell of a lot more than about 95% of the men out there. Blessed. Truly blessed. Although, I do see times changing with men helping a lot more and I think it's great.

I'm getting writers cramp or carpel tunnel or whatever. My hand hurts is what I'm trying to say.

Deuces. I've been wanting to say that for a minute.

Edited to write: PS - There are new pics on the pic link. If you would like to see said pics e-mail me and I'll e-mail you the link.

Si bueno

2008-07-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

Chello. How's it?

Well my surgery went well and was about a month ago. None of the chorro worries for me. In case you were worried about my bm's. I felt tired for about 2 weeks after the surgery but the soreness and all that went away within a week. The only thing that killed me was not being able to lift Diego. He spent the night at my Mom's house for about 2 weeks after because I couldn't carry him and put him in his car seat in the mornings. Other than that, I'm coo.

So my birfday was on Monday (June 30th). It was celebrated the Saturday before with good stuff at my house. We played Wii Rockband and did some karaoke on the magic mic. It was a good time surrounded by good people.

Will post more when I get a chance. Have to get dinner started before Alfonso and Diego get out of the pool.

Happy Father's Day

2008-06-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

Feliz Dia del Padre a todos los Padres bien padres.

All over the place

2008-05-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

Hola con hola son dos holas. At least that's what my daddy says.

I visit your blogs almost daily. Though sometimes I don't comment because I have to click too many times and then type the word verification chingadera correctly and it can sometimes drive me to Xanax.

Remember a while back I told you about this pain that makes being in labor seem like a walk in the park? Well it's my gallbladder. Do you also remember me telling you that I had a CT scan and it wasn't my gallbladder but was diagnosed with acid reflux? It's my gallbladder. Did I mention that in a year they switched my acid reflux medication 3 times because nothing worked? It didn't work because it was my gosh darn gall bladder. Is gall bladder one word or two? It started out as one word and turned into two in the course of one paragraph. Anyway a month or more ago I had this pain that made me sweat and cry and lay on the tile floor to find relief. Oh I also vomited a few times in between rocking back and forth in the corner like rain man. My husband massaged my back so hard that I was sore for a minute. Finally after another ultrasound a year later they found that my gallbladder (back to one word) was inflamed and that I have a stone. Because I have frequent make you want to stub your toe on your bed chingaderas pain and I have a stone, they suggested surgery. So hasta la vista gallbladder. It's getting removed on June 4th. An early birthday present to myself. Although I did hear me some chorro horror stories. Please pray that I come out alive and chorro-less.

Diego wakes up saying mami and goes to sleep saying mami. He says "Oh yeah", mas, teta, leche, gabba gabba. Which by the way hasn't been on this week. Damn you Nick Jr. Bring that show back. Diego loves it. It taught him to shake his rump shaker. A lot of folks don't like it but I did and so did Diego. Diego says "No" a lot. Not to anything in particular. He basically talks to himself and then says no. So only he knows what he's protesting to. He loves to stick his hand in a drawer where I have a lot of kitchen tools. Don't worry CPS it's only the spatulas not the knives. He brings out whisks, spatulas, measuring cups. He doesn't play with them. He takes them out of the drawer goes to find me and then hands them to me. He sings "La Bamba" and "Cielito Lindo". Bababa ba is La Bamba and Ay ay ay ay is Cielito Lindo. He loves to dance. He says abuelito. He calls everyone Mami. He says "Moo" when he sees any animal. He's growing faster than fast.

I saw this movie last night and I'll recommend it to you. El Orfanato or The Orphanage. Fantastic movie. A little creepy with a crazy ass twist that left me bawling like the big effing baby that I am. Seriously. No joke. Alfonso had to console me.

My mom's in Mexico again. Guess who's watching Diego? Guess again? My dad. What?! Yep. I am more than grateful for him doing this for me. Never in a million years did I think he'd be changing his chato's diapers but he does. I love you Papi. Mil gracias. It has touched my heart in an indescribable way.

So I'm not sure if you remember but a minute ago I posted about the Ped-egg or Pedi-egg. Some kind of huevo. Anyway, I'm not sure if you remember my friend the jokester posting about how nasty she thinks it is. I still love it and I've heard so many other testimonials (because we're going to make a new infomercial for it) of people who do. So ped huevo call me because I'm endorsing it.

Work? is work. Gosh. I need to be Angelina Jolie. Who can hook that up for me?

Feliz Dia de las Madres

2008-05-10T21:39:00.001-07:00

Happy Mother's Day all momma's.

Yesterday

2008-04-06T18:00:00.001-07:00

Alfonso took Diego and left so I could get some me time in. And by me time I mean get laundry done, clean the kitchen and perhaps even shower. It doesn't matter really what I do in the time they're gone just as long as I feel I've accomplished something. I did. I tried to read "A New Earth" the new Oprah book club book earlier in the day while Diego played. Didn't really happen for me. Diego likes to sit on my head these days. It's hard to read with a pamper covering your eyes. Try it. It's quite challenging.

I'm also recovering from the stomach flu. What a fun couple of days that was. 7 lb in two days folks. Lost. I mean that's a new diet tactic for me but it's not as fun as I'd like the adventure to be.

Thoughts interrupted by child waking up from nap.

Here's a picture of the culprit.

Vicente Fernandez

2008-03-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

When did Vicente Fernandez start selling pizza?

You are

2008-03-13T10:29:00.001-07:00

Haven’t written in a while not because I don’t want to talk to you but because it’s hard to find the time these days. I sound like a broken record.

M’ijo I wanted to write these things down before I forget. These days you’re blowing kisses not just putting your hand to your mouth but actually smacking your lips. You say your own version of “uh oh”. O. Not Oh. O. You say Mama, Papa, Si, Agua, Baby, Maya (abuelito/a’s dog), Manchas (Tio Pirri’s Dog). You’ve started to throw some temper tantrums. Mami doesn’t like it. Stop. You’ve started letting me know when you’re sleepy. “Tienes sueño” “Chi”. I remembered today when you were smaller and your hair started to fall out. You were left with this big long hair on top of your head. I loved it. I think it was cut with your first bad hair cut. You love most veggies. Love carrots and green beans. You don’t care for strawberries. You love apples, bananas and grapes and really anything I give you. Today I gave you huevo with machaca and you loved it. You’re an awesome eater and I thank you for not being picky. You love your water and that’s your drink of choice. Papi has been bathing you almost every night since you could pull yourself up and stand. Mami doesn’t have the strength to fight you. It’s bonding time for you and Papi and it helps me get your stuff ready for the next day. This week I’ve been working afternoons only, because your abuelita is in Mexico. Again. I’ve enjoyed every temper tantrum having second of it. I’m going to miss you next week when I don’t get to spend my mornings with you. I hope you’ll feel the same. I know I’ve messed up Abuelita’s schedule but well you’re not with Abuelita. You’ve got to spend time with your Tia Ana and cousins this week. I’m happy for that because that doesn’t happen often. They love you. That makes me happy. You like to play with your pichi mirri chirri while I change your diaper. Sometimes I think you’re going to pull it off. Please don’t. You’ll need that to give me grandbabies in 50 years. Oh I’ve picked up the letter Q from your FridgePhonics about 50 times today. Can you pick a different letter to throw on the floor? You love Jack’s Big Music Show and Yo Gabba Gabba. You love Baby Einstein DVD’s. You’re starting to like cartoons but not as much as all the shows that have puppets. I’ll write more as I remember more m’ijo. I just didn’t want to forget any of these things that have come to mind. I love you is an understatement. There are no words for how I feel about you. You brighten my days.

Edited to add: I remembered more. The other day when I was driving home from work you and Papi were taking a walk. I pulled along side you and as soon as you saw me you started to clap. You were so excited to see me. When you saw me drive off you cried. Even though I was about 5 ft away from you, you thought I was going to leave you. It made my day to see you get so excited to see me. You were playing outside with Papi the other day and thought you had a short step well the sidewalk is higher than you think. You ate some dirt. Literally. You say cheese when we take your picture. Well it's more like shees.

I wrote this in English because I'm pretty sure that by the time you're able to read you'll be able to speak and understand English as well. I hope you know that it makes me happy that Spanish is your first language. Mine was too.

Agua

2008-02-23T17:49:00.000-08:00

I'm effing bored.

Diego says agua. :-)

What up?!

2008-02-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I was up at night all by myself. My media naranja put Diego to bed and fell asleep in the process. You see last time Diego was sick we put him in bed with us so we could monitor him. He got over his illness and said buh bye to his room. Now every time I think of him going back to that room I cry. I love my baby in the bed with us. It’s funny when I tell people that he sleeps in bed with us they always feel the need to give advice. “You better get him out before he’s 18. Ha ha ha” STFU. As if it’s the first time I’ve heard it or as if I never said that to someone else. Unwanted advice. One of my pet peeves. I think it’s okay. It’s only one. I won’t have two in the bed. So he’ll be out before the next one comes. No. I’m not pregnant. Or trying.

Anyway I kind of got off topic. So I’m up all by myself. I was watching a movie but remembered I owe one of my best friends a birthday gift. So here I am. Not looking for my friends gift but writing. It feels nice to not have the two huele pedos in here. Wow. It’s quiet.

Last week we had the biggest scare since Diego was born. He had a febrile seizure. It came out of nowhere. He was happy all day long. Happy when we went to bed. Then all of a sudden I wake up to Fonz screaming my name. He was trying to get Diego to wake up and Diego wasn’t responding. I called 911 and by the time the ambulance got here Diego was coming out of it. Still had a blank stare but he was coming out of it. The paramedic suggested we try and bring his temperature down and blah blah blah. He left. So we did just that. Next day we take Diego to the pediatrician. He has a sore throat. WTF. He has a seizure because of a sore throat. Only 3 to 5 percent of kids get these. It’s possible now that every time he gets sick and has a fever this can happen. So one week to the day (yesterday). He has a fever. No sleep was happenin’. We were some temperature takin’, suppository inserting fools. He now has a cold. Poor guy. Which leads me back to the beginning of the post. If he hadn’t been sleeping with us we would have never known he was having a seizure. That’s not something I want to think about.

Yesterday was Dia del Amor y la Amistad. Happy belated Valentine’s day lovers. I’m not really a fan. I think it’s over commercialized and everything is so expected. I bought the big baby a card and the little one a card and a book. That’s it. I was only expecting a card (I was with him when he got it). When I came home and went to my bedroom to change into my disguise as my Mami so cleverly calls it. I was surprised to find “I Love Yummy” in tulips on my bed. Seriously. He surprises the shit out of me sometimes.

My Valentine’s day also included la Amistad. Mi amiga came over for dinner with the G’s for a friendship celebration. Great times and great conversation. I love those nights.

We were talking about how the older we get the less friends we have. We start to weed out the bad and keep the genuine. So true. A while ago I had a conversation with a friend about another “friend”. She asked me why I continued to be friends with this person. “I feel sorry for her” I said. She said “Would you want someone to be your friend because they felt sorry for you”. The truth shall set you free my friend. So I set that “friend” free. I have very very few friends. All friends with morals, values and good heads on their shoulders. All friends that I trust with all that I have. Do we always get along? Hell to the N-O. Do I love them unconditionally? Absolutely.

I always talk about friendship huh? It’s something that’s so important to me. While I was growing up friends came in and out of my life. I never was around one person consistently. As a woman, friendship is something I value. It’s only been recently where I accept things the way they are. We all have different things going on in our lives. I accept it. It really goes deeper than that but I won’t get into it here. Ay pajaros en el alambre.

So back to my movie and my shopping.

New Product Find

2008-01-27T17:59:00.000-08:00

The Ped Egg at your local drug store is a great buy. I love it. It reminds me of a cheese grader and you could probably use it as one as well but I like to use it on my feet.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T15:04:00.001-08:00

I just noticed every year I say the same thing. It's okay though. I must really mean it.

Happy New Year! May this year bring you more blessings.

Mi Amigo

2007-12-28T12:45:00.000-08:00

When I was in junior high school I met a boy. He was chubby, cute and dressed nice. My “best friend” and I use the term loosely because in junior high, do you really know what a best friend is? I’ll talk about her some other time but to get to the point is that said “best friend” liked him. She really “liked” everyone. And by liked I mean, um how shall I say this delicately, screwed them. Without using more vulgarity which I normally use but the kids are still up. Well she liked him. I’m not sure if they did the hibbidy dibbidy or not. I hung out with them. As I did w/ her and all the boys she “liked”. I decided at that point that I had a little bit of a crush on him after her and I stopped being best friends. I can’t remember how it all went down but we ended up becoming close friends. But we did. We would walk home together. He would wait with me while I waited for my little brother to get out of school. All the while I had a crush on him and he never knew it. Then one day it happened. We kissed. We’d go on as if nothing happened then once again. We kissed. And thru the years this was our friendship. It never went past a kiss. It never went past the crush. It could have but I think in our younger years we were too dumb to realize what was going on.

We went to high school together. My high school boyfriend was extremely jealous of him. Everyone always though him and I were a couple. We weren’t, just close friends. We ran to each other every time we needed someone. He wasn’t someone I could have deep conversations with but someone I went to to forget what was going on in my life at the moment and vice versa. He treated me as if I was one of the boys.

We remained friends after high school. He had children. Our friendship continued. His baby momma hated me. All his girlfriends did. They saw us as more then just friends. We weren’t it just happened to be that we had something in common. We had chemistry. She didn’t like the bond we shared. He didn’t care. I was his friend. Time went on and our lives went in different directions. He remained the same. I matured. I’d see him out and we’d greet each other like long lost friends. Nothing changed in the years we missed out on each others lives. I invited him to my housewarming not thinking he’d come. He did. Our chemistry changed. We were no longer the same people we were before. We were no longer those friends that pulled each others hair and punched each other when we made a funny. We were strangers.

I received a phone call about a week before Diego was born. He was in the hospital. He had diabetes and should have stopped drinking. Sounded like him. He always thought he was invincible. He ended up in ICU holding on to his life. He pulled through. Diego was born 2 days before my dear friend’s birthday. The years can pass but he’ll always remain my friend. A few months ago my phone rang, it was another dear friend. Jose and him were my friends forever. We were always together. I was always the only girl. All the estrogen they could handle.

Another phone call. Jose passed away. He was 34. 34. How can someone pass away at 34. He had his whole life ahead of him. He hadn’t walked his daughters down the aisle. He hadn’t even married. I truly don’t think he ever experienced true love. Love that is reciprocated. By someone other than his children. I forever will remember him. Not the him that was the drinker. The him that only I knew. The him that would tell me what a catch I was and lift my spirits when they were broken by a boy. The him that I knew he was going to become one day. The him that his momma knew.

My First Meeting with Santa

2007-12-19T20:50:00.000-08:00

Chillona

2007-12-01T10:26:00.000-08:00

I'm weepy. Not sure why. No I'm not with child. I think it's due to exhaustion. It may also be that I haven't taken my vitamins in weeks. I tried changing my routine and now I forget all the time. Everything makes me cry. I've had a knot in my throat for days. I've worked late all week. I've missed dinner with my family all week. Alfonso has waited and had dinner with me but it's not the same as when we have dinner with Diego. I cherish that time. It's the favorite part of my day, well next to seeing Diego's little teeth first thing in the morning. That smile of his lights up my day. That smile is the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not in a tunnel but I said it for dramatic effect. So anyway, I've missed my husband and my child. I'm praying with all that I have that next week won't be like this week has been for me at work. I'm happy that I have a husband that is understanding and that has waited on me this week because I've worked so hard.

I'm blessed that I have a husband who loves me as I am and never asks me to change. I'm blessed by a whole lot of things and sometimes I ask myself when I know I shouldn't. Why do I deserve this? Why me? I should stop questioning it and just accept that someone out there is watching over me and that someone must like me because every step of the way I find gold or gold finds me. Family, friends, old and new.

I wasn't going to write that much because I really would like to take a nap but I think I've found a little inspiration.

I have to write out some birthday cards though so I have to save some of that inspiration for my friends.

I hope to find the inspiration to write what I'm feeling again soon. Life gets so busy sometimes that I have no time to reflect.

Have a nice Saturday. I will. I will be loving my son and hugging my friends and kissing my husband.

Happy Tanksgiving

2007-11-20T15:45:00.000-08:00

I'm still alive. Just not inspired.

Diego got his first haircut Saturday. Not cute. Will not post picture until it starts to grow out. I should have cut it myself. In happier news, he has hair so I should be happy.

He's now walking. You know the kind of walk you do when you stumble out of a bar at 4 o'clock in the morning. 2 steps forward, 6 steps back. Yeah, that's the one.

He's also now started to throw temper tantrums which I won't have so I have to work on that one.

In "me" news, nothing. I'm off this week. I should have gone to Macon, Georgia. They got all of Oprah's favorite things. Why couldn't my parents have raised me in Georgia? Why Lord Why?

Here's a picture of the man that makes me smile:

If I don't write to you again. Happy Thanksgiving!

This year I'm thankful for my family, a son that makes my heart glow, a husband that still gives me butterflies and friends that make my days all that much better.

Pet Peeve #12,522

2007-10-15T09:21:00.001-07:00

Boots when the morning temp is 62 and the high for the day is low 90's. Just because it's chilly in the morning doesn't mean that you should wear boots or your trench coat. We live in Las Vegas and winter doesn't come for a while honey.

Diego's 1

2007-10-01T18:16:00.000-07:00

Hijo querido. Hace un año entraste al mundo. No te digo que entraste a mi corazón porque eso lo hiciste el segundo que vi tu corazoncito latiendo. Has cambiado mi vida como no te lo imaginas. Me has dado valor cuando antes me sentía cobarde. Me has hecho sentir una felicidad inexplicable. La primera vez que escuche tu llanto. La primera vez que te vi supe que tu y yo íbamos a ser inseparables. Tu primera carcajada. Tus primeros dientitos. El primer besito que me diste, todas cosas que nunca olvidare. Una sonrisa tuya es suficiente para subirme a las nubes. Y eso que es tu primer año. Hay mucho mas por venir amorcito. Te regañare y te vas a enojar pero quiero que sepas que es por tu bien y que solo quiero protegerte. Siempre serás mi bebe y nadie te quitara tu lugar. Te amo mi niño.

My dearest son. You entered the world one year ago. I won’t tell you that you entered my heart because you did that the second I saw your little heart beating. You’ve changed my world in ways you can’t even imagine. You’ve given me courage when before I felt like such a coward. You’ve made me feel this unexplainable happiness. The first time I heard you cry. The first time I saw you I knew that you and I were going to be inseparable. Your first laugh. Your first teeth. The first kiss you ever gave me, all things I’ll never forget. One smile of yours is enough to send me into the clouds. And it’s only your first year. There are so many more things to come my love. I’ll scold you and you’ll get mad at me but I want you to know it’s for your own good and that I only want to protect you. You’ll always be my baby and no one will ever take your place. I love you my little boy.

One year ago

2007-09-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

One year ago I was wondering what you looked like. Who you’d most resemble? I was wondering if I was going to be a good mom. If you would love me.

I was scared that you weren’t going to come home with me. They said that you’d have to stay there until your due date. You wanted to come home early. You were determined to come home early.

One year ago my life changed forever.

Lean like a Chola

2007-09-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

LeAn LiKe A cHoLa uploaded by iluvmandc

This made me crack up!

Me on

2007-09-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

I’m taking this opportunity to write because I just can’t handle doing my work right now. I’ve had a very stressful day. I’ve been mean to the girls I work with. I shouldn’t be, it’s not their fault.

Me on jury duty: I had jury duty last week and was dismissed. Can I get an AMEN? The lady who worked it had the personality of my ass. They should hire people with umph. You don’t want to be there anyway and then you get there and Hitler is working. Not good. I do have to say though they were a little more organized than they were when I went 2 years ago. Without fail, I get a summons every 2 years. I wish they could erase my name from their database. I think I’ll change it.

Me on Diego: Last year at this time, we were planning for Diego’s arrival. I was in the middle of “helping” plan our baby shower. I was excited to meet the little fellar. People were trying to tell me what it was like to have a child. Nothing like they explained. If I were to tell you what to expect, I’d tell you. You think you know what it will be like. You think you know you will be tired. It’s nothing like what you’re thinking. NOTHING. Tired, exhausted, are understatements. Overwhelmed is not what you thought it meant. Blessed, absolutely. On a day where all has gone wrong, one smile from this little person makes nothing else matter. His first smile, laughter, tooth, all things that should be cherished. The days fly by. You hear that all the time but now you know it’s true.
You don’t gag when changing his diaper because he’s your own. Don’t believe it. I gag. Your life changes. You change. So trust me when I say that what you think parenthood is like – scratch that because it’s not. Is it all worth it? Absolutely. Every damn second of it is. Every minute of sleep lost, every time you hear his laughter. Every time you smell his neck, his hair. It’s all worth it.

Me on not posting: So I started the post above a while ago because I think jury duty was at the end of August. We got kicked out of our system so I’ll take advantage and update you on what I’ve been up to.

Me on stupid: NOTHING and EVERYTHING.

Me on BFF’s: Last weekend my BFF’s came over. Sometimes my feelings get hurt because I don’t see them and they’re off doing their own thing. When they come over though that feeling goes away. It’s as though we hung out the day before and we all go back to being who we were just a few years before. I adore them and they give me my friend fix. I wish I could see them more often and have them in my son’s life more but I know that with age come more responsibilities and less time. Funny how that happens.

Me on work: My new job title is going great. I’m not really sure what the previous owner of the title did all day but everyone works at a different pace I guess. I’ve managed to keep my department at 3 with time still left over to breathe.

Me on my mom (that sounded kind of dirty): My mom is leaving again soon. Diego will start going to someone different on Monday. Cross your fingers and dot your eyes or whatever that he does well.

Me on TV: JT was on Oprah yesterday. Good interview. He was so different talking to her than he was in some other interview where he was kind of cocky.

I can’t wait for my shows to come back on. I can actually because then I’ll become the couch potato I’m trying to stop being.

I’m glad Sherri Shepard is on The View. She cracks me up. I wish Elizabeth would STFU. They all have opinions but when she shares her it’s almost as though she’s trying to shove them down our throats. Bleh. Quiero gomitar as some people that can’t say vomitar say.

Me on going home: I’m going home. Why can’t I find the inspiration to write something worth reading?

I want you to want me

2007-08-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

So many stories to tell so little time. So many thoughts run thru my mind and I so badly want to transfer them on to paper anywhere really but move them out of my mind.

A good friend of mine “E” wants me to tell you this story. A story about a daddy trying to put his son to sleep. Erase una vez a wonderful husband was trying to put his son back to sleep. He didn’t want to wake his wife and ask for help so he did only what he thought he should. He hummed him a song. He’s heard me hum and sing “You are my sunshine” to Diego many times. He doesn’t know the lyrics and really neither do I. I sing only the chorus and that does the trick. The trick in our case is calm Diego down. I’m laying in bed at it’s so late at night thirty. I hear him humming. I listen closer. I open my eyes briefly and say to myself. “Is he humming ‘I want you to want me’?” I fell back asleep and the next day while I’m having a conversation with said friend, I remembered. I called him to ask him if in fact he was humming a Cheap Trick song to Diego. “Si pues es que empecé con you are my chanchine y no me acordaba de la canción así que termine con I want you to want me. Se durmió así que significa que hice algo bien”. It worked my friends. I’m contacting Cheap Trick and asking them to put out a lullaby cd.

After telling this story to E she said that stories like that make her want to have kids. It made me happy. Not that she wants to be in club Mom but that I don’t make motherhood look dreadful. I shouldn’t say “I” because there’s no “I” in team. We make parenthood look doable (I started to say fun but then decided that maybe that’s not the word). It’s a whole lot of hard work but it’s all worth it when in the end you can put a smile on that little pedazo de carne’s face.

Vacation

2007-07-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

My son on our vacation.

Enjoy!

Happy Birthday Mama

2007-07-04T12:09:00.000-07:00

I’m taking this opportunity to write since my baby is sleeping, my husband isn’t here and I’m not at work.

So first things first… I celebrated a birthday. My 33rd. Wow 33. Sometimes I can’t believe those numbers come out of my mouth when referring to my age. I don’t feel anywhere near 33.

My husband and my son sent me these flowers:

I started to write this last night when Fonz came home and interrupted my inspiration. So where was I. Oh yeah he sent me flowers. Aren’t they so purdy?

My friends sent me these flowers.

I’m so loved and blessed. I will never say that enough. Never. I’m also very thankful and grateful for all of the wonderful things I’ve done and seen and experienced in my 33 years. I’m thankful for the friends I’ve gained, the friends I’ve lost and most of all the friends that remain. If it wasn’t for all of the above I wouldn’t be who I am now and realized the qualities in friends that I adore. I’m thankful for my family and all the new things we’re currently growing thru. What’s next? I can’t wait.

I got my promotion. WOOO HOOOO! I’m excited, nervous and all that stuff.

My baby said Mama. Can you imagine that? He says mamamamamamamama. Maybe he doesn’t mean me but nevertheless he said it.

A couple of weeks ago I saw the movie “Phat Girlz” with Mo’nique. Yes I will admit I saw the movie. In the movie Mo’nique’s friend’s love interest said something that struck my fancy. I can’t quote him but he said something to the effect of you choose friends for a reason. They all have a quality that you carry but hasn’t come out yet. So very true.

Inspiration lost. To be continued…. But I leave you with a picture of my son

7 Random Facts

2007-06-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their own blog with their 7 things as well as these rules. You need to tag 7 others and list their names on your blog. Remember to leave a comment for them letting them know they have been tagged and to read your blog.

Mines

1. When I was in high school I lied and said I wasn’t a “señorita”. I was the biggest “señorita” ever. I don’t know if I thought I’d get more friends this way or not but either way I lied.

2. 10 or more years ago I was at the Taco Bell drive thru and told the dude that I gave him a $10 when I really gave him a $5. He swore up and down that it was only $5 but gave me change for a $10 anyway. The next day I was in a car accident. I met Karma that day. I won’t be deceptive or dishonest anymore because I know from personal experience that I want Karma to work with me not against me.

3. I used to be extremely infatuated with Ernie. You know of Bert and Ernie. I used to think I would decorate my first child’s room with Sesame Street décor. See how things change. It’s nowhere near Sesame Street.

4. I have a Menudo CD. El reencuentro. Can’t help it. Y mi banda toca rock baby!

5. I don’t judge you by the outside I judge you by the insides. If your insides aren’t attractive it will immediately show to me on the outside. Kind of like Shallow Hal but I’ve never been shallow. (I changed this one, I wrote something completely different which had to do with Karma but now you’ll be left wondering forever)

6. When I was 10 or 12 or I’m not sure but I was young. I was walking to our public pool all by my lonesome when a man stopped to ask for directions. The man didn’t really need directions. He was playing solitaire if you know what I mean. I saw him again when I was in my teens. What are the odds of that. That time I wasn’t by myself and my friend and I ran.

7. I started wearing a bra when I was 9.

I tag: Cisco, Coco, Moni and Suvii. I know I’m supposed to tag 7 but I don’t know that many people.

Karma

2007-06-10T09:28:00.001-07:00

Karma is a bitch. When she catches up with you she knocks your ass down so hard on the ground you have no idea what hit you. When she does, acuerdate de mi.

In other news, all is well. Father's Day is coming up and I haven't even bought Fonz anything. Dang it! I have an idea of what I want for him but can't find it anywhere.

New job title is going well. My boss is leaving this week. Not sure if I'm getting promoted again or not but am kind of hoping I do get it. I don't know if I'm supervisor material but we'll see.

I'll write again soon. I promise.

Success

2007-05-26T06:16:00.000-07:00

I wrote this on Mother's Day but never had a chance to post it.

When I was younger or a few weeks ago. I used to measure success not by the person I am but by my career choice. I thought having a career was success. I never saw myself as susccessful. I have a job not a career. I go there daily, do what I can to exceed what is expected of me and come home. I didn't go to college I barely graduated high school. Not because I'm not smart but because I chose to rebel.

Today my 1st Mother's Day with Diego here. I feel successful. It just hit me. success isn't measured by what I do for a living. Success is something only you can define for yourself. I am successful. Wow. I never thought I'd say that about myself. I sat here surrounded by my family. Success to me is being the best Mom I can be, the best wife I can be. I haven' been the perfect daughter but we all have those rebellious years. I adore my brothers, their kids make my heart shine. I strive to be the best me. That to me is success. To love and feel loved.

Mezcans

2007-05-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

Mexican Directors Ink $100M Studio Deal

The three Mexican directors who shook up Hollywood last February with 16 Academy Award nominations have formed a moviemaking partnership with Universal Pictures worth a reported $100 million.

Guillermo del Toro, Alfonso Cuaron and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu will produce five movies, some of them in Spanish, the Los Angeles Times reported Saturday. "These filmmakers truly represent the importance of cultural diversity for the global audience," said David Linde, co-chairman of Universal Pictures.

The trio, who individually directed "Pan's Labyrinth", "Babel" and "Children of Men," will call their production company Cha Cha Cha.

Universal plans to distribute the trio's films abroad. A U.S.-Canadian distributor was not named. The total cost of the films could reach $100 million, according to the Times.

The three have marketed themselves together since their stunning Oscar success.
Del Toro directed "Pan's Labyrinth," which won three Oscars and was nominated for six. Gonzalez Inarritu's "Babel" was nominated in seven categories, including best picture and best director, and won for best original score. Cuaron's "Children of Men" was nominated in three categories.

As on Yahoo News - Entertainment and Gossip.

I'm so proud of my Mexicans.

My Passion

2007-05-07T18:48:00.000-07:00

Please click on the link above and fill out the form and either mail or e-mail to the following:

yoapoyolareformamigratoria@hotmail.com

or to:

P.O. Box 9007
Glendale, California 91226

Please do this for me and for the millions of people like my Mom, Dad and husband that come here with a dream.

If you don’t believe but know someone who does, please forward to them.

Beautiful Night

2007-04-28T22:03:00.000-07:00

Today I went to a party at an old friend’s house. I’ve written about her before. Our schedules always cross and we never have time to see each other. I made it my #1 priority to make it to the party today. I’m glad I did. I got to see her little boy, she got to see mine. I got to see her mom and her new family. I loved it. It was such a nice night. We chatted for a while. We had to come home early though because Diego was ready for na-night. I can’t wait to see her and her family again. I saw her in a new light. We grew up together, I got to see the purple phase and the big hair phase, our childhood phases. I got to see all of hers and her mine. Now I get to see her as a Mom and a Wife. Beautiful.

I got a promotion. Finally. It had been in the works for 1 year and it finally happened.

We’re having a 5o de Mayo carne asada. Wanna come? You’re invited. It’s an annual thing. There’s always something going on for 5o de Mayo. Maybe next year Pepe Aguilar will come. Speaking of which. I’m going to see him on 7/28. AJUA! I can’t wait. That’s my future baby daddy. Alfonso made fun of me this morning because I was crying thinking of the concert. I told him I would throw my choninos at him. Fuchi!

My Papi retired. His last day of work was yesterday. I’m so proud of him. My brothers and I are having a retirement party for him. We want to either have mariachis or a conjunto norteño. I think he’d enjoy the latter more.

I saw Diane Warren on Oprah recently and she said she wrote a song for her Dad. This is now my anthem to my Papi:

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Breaker Breaker

2007-04-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

I want to find the inspiration and ganas to post. I have a lot of venting but unfortunately can no longer bring myself to vent on here. I’m thinking of making a change and when I do I’ll let you know so you can e-mail me if you want the new blog address.

So I know this is so a few weeks ago but still. Why was Jennifer Lopez a singing coach on AI? She needs a singing coach herself. I would have been all um no disrespect J to the L-O but if I want to learn to shake my ass I’ll call you, right now I’m trying to sing. I mean you played a good Selena but that was just pretend honey. Please do my make-up.

Fonz took baby D and they went for a walk. Now I have a little bit of a break now. Long enough to write dumb stuff.

Life has been uneventful. You lose friends when you get pregnant. No one wants to hang out with you anymore. Actually I think it’s our lives change and sometimes life pulls us all in different directions. So we’re off to look for new friends in new places or maybe old friends and new beginnings. I’m excited about that. Something new, something fresh. New things to look forward to besides what Baby D is learning to do. Woe is me.

I really couldn’t be happier right now. Alfonso and I have been working hard on our relationship. We’re trying to keep it fresh and try new things. Not sexually but spiritually and emotionally. Maybe you weren't even thinking of that. Cochina.

Oh yeah most importantly. My Mami is home. I was an orphan for a little while but both parents are home. Mami is watching Baby D again. He couldn’t be happier. My grandma is doing as well as can be expected. I’m sure she’s lonely, she’s doing well despite it all.

They’re baaaack. I’ll post again soon.

God is Love. Rev Yum.

Funny Shti

2007-04-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm fine and still alive. I have so much to say but haven't really felt like posting.

I've been kind of on the down side and well didn't want to be Debbie Downer.

Anyway all is well. Life is good. My baby is growing fast fast fast.

I'll post soon.

I Hate Sundays!

2007-03-19T16:00:00.000-07:00

It used to be that I hated Sundays because that would mean I never knew when I’d see Alfonso again. In the beginning our relationship was weird. I’m not sure the word relationship is the correct term but it was what it was. I would leave his house in tears because I didn’t want Sunday to end.

Now I hate Sundays because it means that Monday I don’t get to see Diego for most of the day. It may sound silly to some of you but it’s the honest truth. Our weekends with him are so precious. He’s such a good boy. I couldn’t have asked for a bigger blessing. I just miss him so much. It’s not getting easier. My stomach is in knots when I think of dropping him off. I get the correle que te alcanzo because of the anxiety. TMI? Maybe. Stay at home parents are really lucky. I would love nothing more than to stay at home with him and teach him new things. The guilt I feel is sometimes unbearable. Sundays suck because it reminds me of all of the above.

On a happier note, Alfonso and I went out this weekend and had such a good time that I woke up with a German accent. It was Dusty’s 30th Birthday and we had a grand ol’ time. Diego stayed with my Brother in law and Sister in law. They adore him. Diego’s cousins were so happy to see him. I felt comfortable knowing he was in loving hands and that I knew she wouldn’t try to feed him stuff I don’t give him. She listened to what I had to tell her and didn’t make me feel bad about it. I felt like a mom for the first time. I worried about him all night and when Alfonso suggested in his drunken stupor that he spend the night, I said NO! Next time though we may have to have him spend the night. I really need some time alone with my man. We’re forgetting how to be novios. I want to be his novia not be mom and wife only all the time. I’m sure he feels the same way.

I’ve also felt a little bit closer to his family. I’ve been IM’ing with his nieces and nephew in Mexico. They’re so cute. Even though they’re younger it has still made me feel good to talk to them and at least know that someone likes me. That’s why leaving D with my in-law’s was such a big step for me. Feeling comfortable with it was an even bigger one. I have a good feeling about it.

I miss my mom. So in case you couldn’t tell, me siento melancólica. I’ve been sad for some days now. Just feeling lonely, tired, annoyed. I wish I had more people around me that I had more stuff in common with. My good friends are all single or don’t live here. It’s lonely being the only one with a baby and working. I have no one to vent to that will truly understand what I feel and give me their honest opinions on what I’m doing. I don’t dig the shake the head and agree with me thing and then walking away talking about me. Me no diggy. The secret. The secret will bring me people I have stuff in common with who are true to themselves. I can’t ask for your opinion if I don’t agree with your lifestyle. My friends are good for their honest opinion though, I’ll give them that. We’re just all on separate pages these days and I’m just feeling a little isolated. Woe is me. Hope I didn’t depress you.

In A Nutshell

2007-03-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

This is what I’ve been up to.

My Mami’s birthday was last week. My Tia Lupe who is my great Aunt passed away on my Mami’s birthday. She was blind and had Alzheimer’s. My Abuelita who is 90ish took care of her or should I say they took care of each other. I’ll always carry such great memories of her. She was such a happy person. My mom left to go to the funeral and to take care of my Abuelita and will be gone for 3 more weeks possibly. From reading my blog you probably have already gathered that my Mami goes often. She had already planned on going but this, for obvious reasons, had her leaving earlier than she planned. She’ll be gone for at least 3 more weeks. I miss her as I always do but now more.

This left us to look for a daycare STAT. I felt so selfish thinking about this while my Mami was so sad and being pulled in different directions. Last week was the worst and longest week ever for me. I knew it was eventually going to happen but I guess I just didn’t have enough time to prepare. The anguish I feel leaving my child in someone else’s care is immense. My mom, my husband those are the only people he knows. I didn’t want him to think I was abandoning him. I was sad when I came back to work but felt nothing as strong as this. My mom watching him spoiled me, spoiled us. Knowing that the person who was caring for my child loved him as much as I do soothed me. I’ve cried every day since she left. It’s getting easier working my way to the door and it’s getting easier to leave without a knot in my throat. I don’t know how other working Mother’s do it. I know in the long run he’ll appreciate it but I don’t know if some of the material things are worth leaving him. I guess I never thought about it as much as I do now. I want him to have nice things and a nice home to live in but are all those nice things really going to be worth it to him? Anyway, it was a long week. (I started writing this on 3/6/07, I’ve sat in the parking lot crying every day)

We’re all sick again. This damn bug will not leave our house. I was drinking Airborne like crazy. It’s not a bad cold just a mild one but it kept me from work one day this week. That meant Baby D stayed too. I loved every second of my chubber.

So about my gallbladder. I go to the Dr. on the 20th for it. I haven’t had an episode since the last. I’ve had this pain in my chest and stomach for a while now. It started right before I got pregnant and happened one time while I was pregnant. I dismissed it as anxiety. Soon after Diego was born it started up again and more frequently. It’s painful and needless to say, uncomfortable. I’ve dealt. This particular day I couldn’t anymore. The pain wasn’t going away. We took a trip to the emergency room at 1:30 am. I was shot up with morphine and then the Dr. said that he was 85% sure it was my gallbladder. He wrote me 4 scripts and we were on our way at 4:30 am. It hasn’t happened since, knock on wood, toss salt over my shoulder, don’t walk under a ladder.

Work has also kept me busy and blog free. I haven’t had a chance to write while I’m at work. Sometimes I don’t even have a chance to read your blog. It’s a good thing that I’ve been busy but it’s a bad thing that I haven’t had the chance to write or sometimes read your blogs. Bad blog friend.

Being a mom has changed my life immensely. I knew it was going to be hard work but I don’t think anyone could have ever prepared me for this. Those people that say it’s not expensive, you lie. It is. There are the pampers, formula, water (because my baby ain’t getting the water coming out of the faucet), special equipment (car seat, high chair, play yard, etc), clothes. He grows at the rate of Jack (movie with Robin Williams). He’s a premie but you’d never know. Before him I would judge other moms on how anal they were and how I could never do that. Not no mo’. I think as a first time mom you don’t get cut any slack. No one wants to hear what you have to say because you’re not “experienced”. You can’t tell anyone what to do with your child because they’ve been there done that. The only problem I have with that is they haven’t done it my way. I would laugh at schedules and such. Not no mo’. My mom would agree with me on how ridiculous some things sounded before. Before Diego. Diego changed us. For some reason he changed my Mami too. She learned his routine because when I was home I would be on the phone with her at least 4 times a day. She kept his routine while he was in her care. She tried her hardest to adhere. She’s a mom of 3. She never judged me or my decisions. She learned from them. I actually taught my mom different things. I believe it’s because Diego was born 7 weeks early. In the week he was in the hospital the nurses taught us a lot of things. Some of the things were some of the reasons I criticized other parents. I shared the new found wisdom with Mami. So together we said, only the child’s Mother knows what’s best for her child. Washing hands before handling a child. I’d be offended if someone asked me to do that. The nurses told me this and all of a sudden, I was no longer offended. Anything to keep mi niño sanito. I appreciate it when people come over wash their hands and then ask if they can hold the baby. It actually makes my heart skip a beat. Do I get mad if someone doesn’t? No. I love it when you do though. I no longer make quick judgements. It may not be the way I’d do it but every parent has a reason for being the way they are. My reason is, I love my child. I’m happy being a mom. At first I didn’t think I wanted any more children. The lack of sleep was unbearable. Of course, my reasons were all selfish. Now, I want 1 more. If Diego can bring me this much happiness, I can only imagine what one more could do.

The Indians are awake now. I hope to post again soon.

What ma Baby Doing?

2007-03-05T18:49:00.000-08:00

Why were you searching for this?

2007-03-01T15:12:00.000-08:00

what does para bebe mean
chubby vagina (FUNNY)
you-were-looking-for-las-vegas-brothel.
fodonga
how to say you are invited to my house warming dinner in spanish
chubby
selena salinas has grey
threeways with a chubby girl
midget joey (my brother? You want his number)
chubby mexican
hola saladitos salted plums
whore and ass show tia wanta mexico (tia wanta as in Tijuana - that's damn funny)
chubby mexican
bring chubby back (you got me back baby)
gas barefoot

Hello Lovers

2007-02-14T10:05:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentine’s Day Lovers!

Sorry I haven’t been posting but work is has been unbearably busy. Diego and I have been sick. They think I have gallbladder disease. Poo Poo!

On a lighter note, it’s Valentine’s Day the commercial holiday to make single folks sad and married folks expect a whole lot. I expect a card (on our entertainment center this morning) and that’s it. It’s robotic and everything is expected. Working women want flowers sent to work so they can show them off. I just want the unexpected. The day after Valentine’s Day works for me. Anyway, I hope you enjoy your day and you get the unexpected, not just today but every day.

I’ll write soon!

Riley Marie

2007-02-08T11:10:00.000-08:00

Welcome to this crazy world little one.

A new addition to our family was born this morning. My niece. My older brother's first daughter. Yeah for them!! 6 lb. 20 oz. 19 in.

Google

2007-01-18T10:42:00.000-08:00

I want to work at Google. That's all for now.

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho It's off to work I go

2007-01-01T23:18:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow sucks. Okay so my new year isn’t starting off right. It should start off on a positive note but f that I’m going to be honest. I go back to work tomorrow and I’m dreading it. I’ve been off for 3 months and I’ve fallen in love with it. I love my house and best of all I love spending time with my son the corajudo. Not sure where he gets that from. Wink wink. I’ve cried every day this past week thinking about how much I’m going to miss him. I’m lucky enough to have my mom watch him for a couple of months but then he’ll have to go to daycare which I don’t want. I thought I’d be okay with all of this and so far I’m not. I don’t want him to get half care and be around sick kids and then bring home his illness and be sick himself. He’s 3 months old today. He’s already had his first cold. Compliments of me and his dad. So guess what happened. I thought I fought it off and then bam Diego and I are sniffling and sneezing and not sleeping, together. I had to watch him get poked and prodded all over again. This hurt immensely. It brought back memories of him in the NICU all over again. He’s better now and so am I. I really don’t want to go back to work. I want to talk to Diego all day and stare at him when I need to feel an unexplainable bond. I want to hear his coos and have him suck my cheek off when he’s hungry. I want to have him stare at me and hold my hand while he’s eating. I want to squeeze his chubby legs all day. I don’t want him to forget that I’m his mami. I don’t want him to think that I’m abandoning him when he needs me the most. Time has flown by and I now see it more than ever. I’ll work harder than I have before and save as much as I can so that I can again be home with him. My little chubber dubber.

I tried to work from home and it didn’t work out. There were too many mistakes to correct and not enough time. Correcting other people’s mistakes irritates me and it was supposed to be part time not a full time thing. So same day I started to do it, I quit. It’s for the same company and all but I just couldn’t stand the aggravation that is supposed to be for the office and not for my house. How come I could handle doing my own work along with someone else’s but they couldn’t. You’d think my boss would have told me she appreciated me. Nope. Didn’t happen. Instead they worked from 5 am to 6 or 7 pm and on weekends as well. When I’m there that doesn’t happen. So did she not see that or was she just too proud to say that I do a better job than she ever could. Adds to the dreadfulness of returning to work. Where’s Xanax when I need it?

Slipper mystery still unsolved. Come on man, I want to thank you. Will the real slipper shipper please stand up?

This year will again bring me to remove toxicity from my life. Little by little I get rid of the causes of ill feelings. Clean house, if you will.

I started this post at 7ish it’s now 11:16 pm. Between Diego crying and eating and getting stuff ready for tomorrow it’s taken me that long to write this. I’ll be at work now so I’ll be able to post a lot more often.

Feliz Año Nuevo

2007-01-01T00:17:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! May this year bring you more blessings.

Feliz Navidad

2006-12-25T00:58:00.000-08:00

Mystery

2006-12-23T09:15:00.000-08:00

Someone sent me some slippers and I don't know who it was. I've asked 3 possible people but they all said no. So will the person that sent me slippers please step forward so I may say thank you in a beautiful way.

The Weather Outside is Frightful

2006-11-28T16:24:00.001-08:00

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy today and George said something that rang so true. When he was talking to Cristina and told her that he admired her because she was like a robot always so composed but once in a while he needed her to be a human being. There are people that I admire in my life for their strength. I love the way that they can shrug off heartbreak or a bad day at work and have it not affect them. I sometimes need them though to show some compassion and look at life through their hearts rather than through their eyes. To see things the way most people do rather than see things with knight’s armor. It just hit home and I loved it.

A couple of weeks ago one of Oprah’s show was Challenge day at a high school. My favorite Oprah show ever. It was just beautiful and she’s right this is how we change the world one person at a time.

I love staying home. I love it. I thought it was going to suck but I love it. Did I say I love it? It’s not boring, I’m not lonely. I’m not ready to throw Diego at Alfonso when he gets home. I don’t want to go back to work. I’m getting things done at home. I shower daily. I may not dress up daily but I do shower and I do put on make up every other day. I am loving every second of it.

The above was written last week or the week before. I just never had a chance to post it since I wasn’t done.

Thanksgiving was great. It was held at our house again this year. The only thing I don’t like is that the only people that help with the clean up are my parents. My mom to be exact.
Um I’m sure I have more to complain about but I’ll wait for another day.

You can see pics of Diego, if you click on the link on the left that says Hello Photo.

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T11:12:00.001-08:00

Another year, more things to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones.

2006-11-16T14:54:00.000-08:00

You were looking for:

las vegas brothel chubby
vagina en ingles
chubby brothel
funny mexican facts
asleep with her mouth open
chubby birthday dance

And got me instead. These always make me laugh.

Victoria

2006-11-11T08:43:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday baby. You're 6! Seems like just yesterday when you would walk backwards to sit on my lap. I love you.

A Birth Story

2006-11-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

For those of you that are interested in my birth story. Wanna hear it, read it rather, here it goes:

On one sunny day that is September 30 around noonish, I was chillin’ at my pad talking on the phone with a friend. She happened to say something funny so I laughed and I thought I peed myself as some pregnant women do. I changed and went on about my business when it happens again. So I went to change again and I could no longer hold it in. TMI? Yes. I waited a while looked through all 12 of my pregnancy books to see if it was pee or if my water broke. All arrows pointed to water but I wanted it to be me urinating. So I called my OB and he sent me to the hospital stat. We left in a hurry but not before Alfonso grabbed all the photo gear. I was so not in the mood to be in photos with my wet pants. He tried to drive like Starsky but I put a kibosh on that. We get there and I’m dripping all the way up to labor and delivery. The first thing they tell me is I may have to stay there for 3 weeks. 3 weeks would be full term (37 weeks). My water indeed broke and there is no better incubator for the baby than my uterus. So thoughts of my bed and my pillows flashed before my eyes and new thoughts of my ass hurting and not being able to sleep on my back replaced them. The perinatologist came in to see me shortly after and said that I would have to wait at the longest 1 week. At 33 weeks the baby’s lungs are not fully developed and they want the baby to have time to grow a little more. At 5 lb. though a baby has a better chance because he is bigger and may not need as much help breathing. If he wants to come now he can and contractions will not be stopped. A Dr. from the NICU came to see us and to explain that Diego may have to stay for 3 weeks. He may need help breathing and eating. I was admitted and moved into anti partum. At 2 am contractions started and every time I told the nurse that it hurt she told me to drink water or go to the bathroom. That got old real quick so I stopped telling her and just suffered through them. Alfonso held my hand and would not leave my side. He said “If you’re uncomfortable I have to be too”. He sat in a chair the whole night. Walked me to the bathroom every hour on the hour because I kept drinking water and kept leaking fluid. 8 am came and shifts changed. The new nurse came in and I made sure to immediately tell her that this sh** hurt man. She asked if I could wait a little longer and of course I said yes. 10 am came and everyone was trying to prolong the labor. 2 pm came and finally I said “I can’t take it anymore”. I was sent back to labor and delivery. The nurse there checked me out and I happened to be 6 cm dilated. The anesthesiologist came to visit and an epidural was provided. Ahhh relief. I was now 9 cm dilated at around 4ish. At around 5ish I was still 9 cm dilated. Diego was stuck on my pelvic bone. Cesarean was now a must. 6:16 pm a baby boy was born. NICU came and got him brought him to me let me kiss him and took him away. I didn’t get to bond with him. I was taken to recuperate in recovery where my mom, dad and a good friend were waiting for us. There Alfonso and I shared our moment. A moment to talk about the miracle that is life. To talk about how much we love each other and how our lives have changed forever. Mom and Dad came in to congratulate. I’ve never seen my dad the way I did this day. He was worried about me and in his broken English he asked the nurses if I was going to be okay. The oxygen tube and the fact that I was shaking like I was having crack withdrawals scared him. Visiting hours were over and we were then moved to a room. I couldn’t drink anything and I was still on ice chips. Let me tell you that these ice chips were the best ever. EVER. The next day we went to see Diego. The little tubes killed me. He however is the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen and I’m not just saying that because he’s my son.
He’s furry and looks like a monchichi.
He has jaundice and is under a light. His cries sound like pig squeals. He’s perfect. I was released the next day and every day after that until 10/10 we went to see him. He was released to us on 10/10. He’s doing great! He weighs 5 lb. 10 oz. less than his birth weight but that’s normal. 10/13 was his first Dr.’s appointment and he now weighed 5 lb. 14 oz. I’m pretty sure that now he weighs about 7 lb. He’s heavy and has the biggest cheeks ever. He’s storing nuts.

I cried from the day I left the hospital until the day he came home and then some. Leaving him there was the hardest thing to do. It got to the point where I didn't want to go see him because I knew the sadness that would follow. I would literally leave me gasping for air when we'd leave the hospital because of the emotion. I'm so happy he's home. Sleepless nights and all, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Alfonso was and has been here for me every second. A new love between us was also born on this day. It gave us more passion and more admiration for each other. Recovering from the c-section was tough. My mom was here for me every day. She would brush my hair, help me shower and clothe. She’d feed us and clean for us. My dad still calls at least every other day on his lunch break and every day from home to see how we’re doing and how I feel. I am truly blessed to have these people in my life. My mom thinks Diego is her son and makes the same joke every day but damn that lady has done so much for us.

Diego keeps us up at night because he wants to eat, sh**, hiccup eat again and then sleep. Sometimes keeping us up for 3 hours at a time in the middle of the night. Little punk. He’s brought new things to our world and has shown us a whole new meaning to the word love.

Happy Birthday Baby

2006-11-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday love of mine. I hope this year brings you more joys than the year before.
Diego says sapo verde too.

Diego's 1st day home

2006-10-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

This is the only picture I'm able to post at this time. More to come.

Yeahhhh

2006-10-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first Dr.'s appointment after having Diego. I was excited to kind of see the paper where they wrote my weight. I gained 1 lb. this pregnancy. I lost 30 or 40 (not sure if one of the #'s was 5 or 6 making it a 10 lb. difference) lb. which makes me weigh 30 or 40 lb. less than my pre-pregnancy weight. So guess what? I'll be getting pregnant again soon. Just kidding.

Still no monitor so no picture or birth story to share. It's long and lap tops are hard for me to work with.

PS - Best Buy sucks!

Happy Anniversary

2006-10-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Anniversary Baby! This year brings on a new love for each other. We have more passion for each other than the day we first met. I love you more now than the day we made our commitment in front of God and our loved ones. I admire you more than ever. You're amazing. I see the way you look at our son. I saw the way you looked at me while I was in the hospital and how you've taken care of me since then. Love is an understatement yet there is no greater word. I adore you.

Here's to more years and greater love. More ponchitos or yamellitas. And more chapters to our love.