I’m proud that after being married and having a child I put Yamell Vidaña first. Without Yamell Vidaña none of this came to be. I must first love who I am before I can be any good to my husband and before I can be any good to my son. I’m proud of that. I don’t put Mami ahead of Me. I don’t put Wife ahead of Me. I put Me first then Wife then Child.
As a parent you always feel like you could have done a better job. I'm fairly new to this whole being a parent experience. For me it's difficult. It's the toughest job. I leave the house all day to work outside of my home. I see my son for a few hours before it’s time for the bedtime routine. I live with the guilt of not being with him these very special years. He’ll never know or understand the guilt I feel. He’ll never know how I always feel like a failure as a Mom. Don’t get me wrong I know I do a good job. Could I do better? Hell yes. It’s something I work towards daily. Could I be perfect? Definitely not.
Why are we as parents our own worst critics? Whether it’s potty training, sippy cups, discipline, foods, routines, bedtimes, etc. Someone is always there to remind you, you can do better. Because they think they have. Remember your way is not always the better way. Your experience is not always the better experience. Your adventures in parenthood will not always be mine. And mine will not always be yours. Most of us do our best. That’s all we can do and that’s what we must remind ourselves of.
Where this whole long story is bringing me to is this. There are so many things I’m grateful for. There are so many moments where I wonder “does Diego really love me?”. I ask myself this because for some reason being loved helps you feel validated. It’s such an adrenaline filled feeling. Yesterday and today before I left Diego cried. “Mami no te vayas. Acuestate Mami”. (Mommy don’t leave. Lay down Mommy). While it broke my heart (see part about feeling guilty), he made me feel needed and loved. Like I’m doing my job right. Today I feel loved.
3 comments:
Plus, other peeps advice may have worked for their own kids, but may not be the best for yourself.
I see your point. It's nice to feel wanted/needed. Is that a sick way of thinking? I don't know, but still, it's nice.
It really is nice to feel like someone needs you. ;-)
Other peeps always want to tell you everything. They know when your baby is hungry or when its time for your baby to give up a binky. They know everything girl. ;-)
You will always be unconditionally loved, even to this day they want to sleep in my bed and take naps with me on the weekends.
When Anthony was little, no more than a year, I had to work all the time and when I got home he was always asleep, I missed his first steps, and his first word, because I was working. I was glad when I got my new job that I was able to take time to be a mom. I feel like I had missed out on so much before his Kindergarten years, but I feel that I caught up a little bit and it makes me feel better.
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