Que tienen tus ojos

Before I was married my relationship with my parents was almost non-existent. They always looked at me with such disappointment. Eyes say so much.

I remember one night, when Fonz and I were dating, I cried. Well I cried lots of nights but this night in particular I was crying at the fact that I felt so left out of my family. Everyone thought we were so united but they didn’t see how lonely I felt on the inside. My uncle (mom’s brother) had just passed away and the funeral was in Tijuana. My mom was already there. My dad and brothers had to travel there. I didn’t want to go. For many reasons, one being that I was never close to my uncle. He was always coming in and out of our lives. Another was that I did not want to see my mom so sad. I should have gone. I should have been there to support her and see her thru it. I didn’t, disappointing them again. I cried to Alfonso the night before they were all leaving for the funeral. I sobbed telling him that it hurt seeing the way they looked at my brothers and how their eyes changed when they looked at me. My brothers already having accomplished some things and me, well I was 28 still living at home with no future. My older brother I believe was already married or getting married that year. My younger brother had 2 kids. Yamell, living at home with nothing they considered an accomplishment. I cried telling him that I wanted to know where this relationship was headed. I wanted to know if there was a future (already 5 years into the relationship) or if I was just going to be the “booty call”. I wanted my parents to look at me the way they looked at my brother’s. I wanted to say I had something going for me. Yes, I was making decent money, my bills were paid, I was never married before, never had children, never lived in sin, but that wasn’t enough. I wanted them to love me and accept me.

My relationship with my mom was never the way a girl dreams. I am overweight. For some reason she can’t see past that. It was always her favorite topic of discussion. I think that’s why she didn’t like me very much.

Her: “Todo lo que te digo es por tu bien hija”.
Me: “Yes, mami, yo se pero quiereme como soy y no te fijes en lo exterior. Fijate en mi en que tengo un corazon bueno y que soy una mujer decente que hasta la fecha no te ha puesto en vergüenza”.
Her: Don’t you want to get married and have children? Te vas a quedar a vestir santos.
Me: Mom, these days people don’t get married at 16. I’m only 25
Her: Well what if a man asked you to lose weight?
Me: I’d tell him to go f himself and then I’d say, NEXT. Mom there are plenty of men out there that will love me JUST AS I AM!
Her: Yes, but the quality of men will change.
Me: um Yes because I want a man that looks at lo físico only. I’m not lonely mom. Tengo suficientes pretendientes. I’m not going to marry them just because I’m 25. I have time.
Her: Te tienes que cuidar hija.
Me: Uffff drop it Mom.

Eventually she’d drop it but only because I stormed out of the room. These conversations were very often. We still have them but now they go like this:

Her: Te tienes que cuidar hija. Acuerdate lo que te dijo la enfermera. You have to start eating healthy.
Me: Did you see the nurse? She weighed like 600 lb. I’ll be okay.
Her: You really should take care of yourself. It’s for your own good.
Me: Mom, how long have we been having these discussions?
Her: A long time.
Me: Have I changed?
Her: No
Me: Well what makes you think that things are going to change because you said so. They won’t unless I want them to. Please stop lecturing me because it actually has the opposite affect on me. I want to eat only because you don’t want me to.

She’s dropped it. Probably because this time I didn’t yell at her at the top of my lungs but said it calmly. That's probably why I can so relate to the movie "Real Women have Curves".

The relationship with my dad was purely a daddy’s girl kind of thing. I went to my dad for everything. Love mostly. He loves to hug me and I him. I still never felt he loved me enough. I’ll tell you stories of my juventud later.

My point is that my parents look at me with such different eyes. It all happened the day Alfonso proposed. To be continued….