Friday, February 11, 2011

Happiness seemed like so long ago.

I can't post this on Facebook because it's taboo. I can only post about my fabulous life. Or quotes by Maya Angelou.

I'm fucking sad. And angry.

And lonely.

My heart is heavy. People try to console me. But they try to console me with changing the subject. Or putting my mind on something else. I don't want to talk about something else. Talk about her to me. Ask me questions. I know you want to. Don't be selfish. Don't avoid it because it makes you uncomfortable.

Alfonso asked me tonight what he could do. What can you do? Nothing. There's not a damn thing you can do. NOTHING! You can't bring her back. You can't make her move again. You can't bring her back to me. Not a hug. Not a kiss. Nothing will make me feel better.

Please don't look at me with pity. Please don't look surprised if after a month I'm still sad. I lost my child. I didn't lose my puppy or my long lost cousin. I lost my child. Don't be surprised that I'm sad. Don't be surprised if I cry in the middle of a song. Or if I don't want to hang out with you. Don't be shocked if I don't want to be with you on your birthday. Or go to your kids birthday. Don't compare my situation to losing a pet. Or your mom. While I know it's sad. It's not the same. I had a life inside me and now it's not there.

She was supposed to still be in my belly. She was supposed to be here with Diego. Both of them getting on my nerves.

Dang it Ruby! Why did you leave me? I miss you. I miss the heartburn. Were you scared of me? Was it something I said? I love you so much Ruby. Your little fingers. You had mommy's fingers and mommy's lips. You had daddy's nose and probably his toes.

3 comments:

Bev said...

Friend, I have no idea what you're going through. I do want to know more, but was afraid to ask. You never can tell who wants to talk about it and who would rather not. Feel free to spill your guts out, cry when you want to cry and just feel this moment.

(And really? people compare this to like losing a pet? what?!)

Rielle said...

The feeling of that beautiful little butterfly flutter inside of you is something you will never forget. Not in a month, not in a year, not ever. Sadly, the pain that you feel deep inside your soul will not ever truly fade...
There will be a day when the anger, the loneliness, wont be as overwhelmingly sad. You will think of your little girl, close your and eyes and smile...because you will feel her, still there, deep inside your heart.

Cynthia said...

Hugs to you, friend.