Wednesday, April 20, 2011

May 12

May 12 is when I was due. As the date approaches my oxygen intake decreases. I was sitting yesterday and looked up at my shadow box filled with Ruby and I came to the realization that she's not going to be here. She's not. I'm never going to hear her cry or laugh or see her smile or run. Some days are so great and I know what the purpose is. Some days are so cloudy that I can't see past the sadness. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want to be able to vent to you. Ruby's purpose is greater than the sorrow. So please don't feel sorry for me. I have gained so much through the loss of my sweet Ruby. Ruby. Wow.

Sometimes I get angry because your life goes on and mine has adjusted. I have a new normal. Sometimes my new normal gets irritated with your petty gripes. Your petty gripes about your new born child crying and not letting you sleep. Your petty gripes about how you don't get a break. Your petty gripes about how you haven't showered in days. Your petty gripes about the weather or your allergies or your constipation. Crap! (no pun intended) I DON'T CARE! Because really, if I had a newborn I'd be watching her sleep. Or handing her over to Alfonso so that I could get some water. You have the option of leaving the situation you're in for a millisecond. I don't have an option. I HAVE to choose to go on and make something lovely out of the big ass lemon I was served. Or I can wallow in the negative and hate God. Which is not in me. I have a son I have to set an example for. I'm grateful for that smile full of sunshine. I'm grateful he has a sister watching over him. I'm grateful God put that test in front of me. I've inspired myself. I know I'm capable of Happiness. My new normal. Fuck the little stuff. Ruby wants me to inspire someone. Even if it's just myself.

I'm celebrating her brief existence. She may not have ever taken a breath outside of me but she has made me appreciate that I can breathe. That on days when the world makes me want to kick it in the ding ding I can either have a pity party for one or live for us all. I'd choose the latter. Any day. I'd do it again in a heart beat for you Ruby. With the same outcome.

2 comments:

bevy said...

You're right. About everything. People are so petty, myself included. Thank you for reminding me to not take these "annoyances" for granted.

Yummerson said...

So the ad below this is a picture of a pregnant lady. WTF? hahahahaha

I'm still petty too. Then I remind myself that it could be so much worse. We're all a work in progress. Te quiero mucho mi amiga.