Open Letter to my Bitches (Rated ARRRRR for adult language)

My Dearest Nancy and Dustin

I try to tell you how much I love you both but unfortunately Dustin you always want to talk about your effing car or your new computer. You’re a geek.

When Dustin first came into your life Nancy, I worried. I thought here comes this tall white boy who has no rhythm. What will they look like when we go to the club? After I remembered that we don’t go to the club, I relaxed a little. I worried because I was unsure of how he was going to treat you. I mean let’s face it, you’ve kissed some dirty toads. I wanted someone that would let you be yourself and love you anyway (as I do for all my friends). Then I saw how your face would light up every time you pretended it wasn’t him on the phone. I saw the twinkle in your eyes when you pretended that you were just friends. I saw your big ass smile every time your phone rang when we’d be hanging out. That was a lot of smiling Dustin because you called her like 16 mother effing times in 2 hours. Thanks for laying off a little. I would hate to destroy personal property by sticking it up your ass. I’m not sure if personal property is your ass or the phone. Something to ponder. I see all the happiness he brings into your life. I see how much he loves your son and how he treats him like his own.

Dustin I see how your face lights up when you smack her ass as she’s walking by you. I see the love in your eyes when we’re playing Presidents and Assholes and she just doesn’t get it. I see your heart palpitate when she’s loading the dishwasher, but maybe that’s just palpitating because she’s loading it all wrong and you’re about to have an anxiety attack. Seriously though, I see how happy she makes you. I hope you know you found a diamond in the rough. Quit digging and either shit or get off the pot dude!

I love you both so much and I don’t care if you let me say a speech at your wedding or not. I don’t need you to let me anyway. I’m sure the Elvis that will be performing your ceremony will let me borrow the mic.

You’re wonderful together. Porn watching and all. You fucking perverts. I love you both with all of my heart. Good mood or bad and more bad than good, I’m happy for you at all times. My heart pitter patters at the thought of your love for one another. Not more than the love I have for Alfonso or maybe not more than the love you have for Alfonso, Dustin, but it pitter patters.

I love you both con todo mi corazon!