Friday, November 11, 2005

Friends, How many of us have them...

I’m really emotional today. You’re going to think I’m a big baby but it’s something I’ve had to deal with my whole life. I get home sick. I could never make it a whole night without crying. I would cry and beg to go home. My friends would get mad at me. I dealt with this a little better as my teen years came. I still did get home sick though. I would have fun and we’d do the stupid slumber party games. Light as a feather, stiff as a board s**t. Is your refrigerator running? We did all that and it was fun because we could never do that at my house. My mom’s a light sleeper and would have made us shut the f**k up. The next day though, I couldn’t wait to go home. My parents were strict. My friends couldn’t understand that and much less understand why I wanted to go home. I wanted to go home because that’s where I felt safe. It was where I was comfortable. It was where I could control my surroundings. Home is where my family was and I didn’t want to miss anything.

Tonight, we’re celebrating my friend Jen’s birthday. It’s also a spend the night if you’d like party. AKA Slumber party. She lives far from our house and we’ll be drinking so Fonz suggested I spend the night. He’d rather I come home safely 1 day later than not come home at all. I had flash backs this morning of my childhood. I get this knot in my throat and feel guilty for leaving him all alone. We fought over something ridiculous and made up. As he was walking me out with my tilichero (trans.-junk, disorganized mess) (ONB, air mattress, blankets and pillows) he pretended to cry, it’s something we do, I told him to stop because I really would cry. He did stop but my tears started pouring out like the big baby that I am. Home is where I feel safe and needed.

When we were engaged I commented to my friends, “When Alfonso isn’t around, I feel weird, uncomfortable, like something is missing”. My friends took offense. No one wanted to tell me but someone who wasn’t there that it was mentioned to, did tell me. Next time I saw them I brought it up. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make them feel as though they’re insignificant. They took it as me saying he consumed my life and wanting nothing but to be with him. I was describing my feelings towards Alfonso not my feelings about them. My friends mean the world to me and I love them unconditionally. The love you have for your man is clearly different than the love you have for your friends. The love your friends have for you is clearly different than the love your man offers. When I haven’t seen my friends I miss them. I miss their company, their laughter, the grief they bring me and all the wonderful things they bring to my life. Both bring joy to my life but in different ways. I could never live without either.

My friend Jen called me and told me she missed me and to hurry and come over. That’s how I feel about them. We may not always agree and we may not always get along, I would never change a thing. They bring excitement to my life. They put a smile on my face at the most unexpected moments. Today I’m sad. That call made a world of difference. I miss her too. So what if I just saw her on Tuesday. My heart smiles. BFF. LYLAS. TGIF. WBS. TTFN.

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