Thursday, July 19, 2012

My Mommy really does love me

Honestly, I've never doubted her love for me. She just has a funny way of not expressing it.

It's no secret that our relationship is not what one's ideal relationship with their Mom be. I don't know what that last sentence means but I'm 36 weeks pregnant and I just can't concentrate on that right now without driving myself bat shit crazy. I think you know what I mean.

We have grown closer as I've gotten older. I think I was never what she wanted me to be. I'm not skinny. I wasn't the domestic type. I liked to drink and be out at all hours of the night. I liked the boys. Then I got married and the way she looked at me completely changed. Diego was born 1 year or 2 after and again, it got better. I lost my sweet Ruby and something changed, for the better.

I'm now pregnant with twins and she's been so different. Open. Or maybe it's not her and it's me and I don't see it. Holy shit! I just had an AHA moment while typing this. Maybe she never felt needed by me. I've worked so hard to be independent from her and to prove to her that I'm worthy that I never made her feel like I needed her. Hmmmm. Okay so back to the twins, our relationship is going strong. I talk to her daily. And now I had another AHA moment. Maybe it's the fact that she's making me feel so loved that I'm more receptive to her. Okay back on track, so we speak daily (we always have honestly) and she asks me how I'm feeling and about my son and my husband and the typical questions. She basically just wants to say good morning and tell me she loves me.

I'm getting to the point of my story.. Relajate (Relax). This morning she didn't call so I called her. We're chatting. She asks me how I feel and I tell her how painful it is to sit here at work all day. She then says "Me siento tan orgullosa de ti. Yo no pense que ibas a aguantar." (I'm so proud of you. I didn't think you'd be able to make it." Granted it kind of sounds like she's giving me a back handed compliment but the truth is she rarely, if ever, tells me she's proud of me. So it really was a compliment. I think she thought that I would have gone one bed rest and stop working a long time ago. I surprised her. I'll take it for what it's worth and won't over analyze as most of us tend to do. I just know the words "I'm proud of you" are what we all long to hear. She said them to me today and my heart is full.

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