6 months

Today marks 6 months. 6 months since I said hello and goodbye to Ruby. It truly feels longer than 6 months. I still can close my eyes and replay every single moment from that dreadful evening of January 6th to the second she was born. Maybe I'll tell you my story on the year anniversary. I have an easier time vocalizing the story than writing it. Not sure why.

So many things have changed since then. I've lost 4 friendships. For the better I would say. It was long overdue. I won't go into details because some still like to lurk here and I don't want to get into a war of what's right and wrong. All I know is what's right for my life.

Remember that scene in "My Best Friend's Wedding" (ironic) where Dermot is chasing Cameron and Julia is chasing Dermot? Then she calls her best friend and he asks her "Who's chasing you?". That was what these friendships were like. No one was chasing me. I asked and referred to that scene in my head years and years in our friendship. One event was the final straw and because I'm working towards a better me, a better life, I decided that it was time to let go of the fair weather friends and time to focus more on me, my family and those that choose to be a part of me. Through the good and the bad.

I also just recently celebrated my 37th birthday. 37 years of life. Wow. I don't feel older. I feel the same. It's amazing how much faster time goes by the older I get.

Diego and I say a little prayer every day before I take him to daycare. We say "Diosito ayudenos a portarnos bien. Que esta semana se vaya rapido para estar juntos Mami, Papi y Yeyo. Cuidenos Diosito. Amen." Why I'm teaching my son to pray for time to go fast I'm not sure. He so looks forwards to weekends and being able to stay in bed but more than that to be home with Mom and Dad. He looks forward to Sundays because those are the days that I let him sleep with us. Sundays and Mondays. I let him for selfish reasons. It's so hard to get him to wind down on Sunday nights and when he sleeps with us he has an easier time falling asleep. Monday is the same thing. It's back to the routine so it can be a little hectic. Anything to make life easier right?

Motivate

I want to be able to maintain this. I do. I really do. I don’t always have a lot to say and when I do I don’t want to always be complaining and venting. Not that I have an image to maintain but I don’t want to put all that negativity out there.

I’m still doing the WW thing. A couple of weeks ago I lost the motivation. I’m working on getting that back. I feel like crap and I don’t want to go back up. It’s so hard. It’s such a struggle. My weight issues stem from my childhood. I have to work through all of that in addition to just controlling portions. Controlling emotions is exhausting and such a daily struggle. I often wonder if I’m alone. Everyone, my whole life has always told me how moody I am. Which by the way doesn’t help me. It’s like telling me I’m fat. How does that help me? I’m not sure so rethink your approach. I’ve lost 33 and probably gained back 5 in the last week. The motivation loss started when the weather started getting warmer and things slowed down at work. I want to be home or outside (not hiking or fishing or bike riding) playing with Diego or watching him play but I don’t really want to be here. I have to get that motivation back. They say with weight loss you gain energy. I haven’t gained a damn bit of energy. WW says to eat filling foods and you won’t feel hungry. I feel hungry damn it! I feel hungry and like taking a nap. I’m putting it out there to whoever is listening – I NEED MOTIVATION!!!!

Diego is growing like crazy. I guess kids do that. He’s becoming a rebelde. Testing my patience. Every. Day. 99% of the time he’s a good kid. Right now he’s at the stage where he talks. Non stop. Non.Stop. Not too long ago I enrolled him in a sports class with the county. $18 for 6 weeks. Not bad. They do a different sport every week. He wants it to be basketball every week and then we get home and he tries to teach me stuff. At least he gets to play with kids. Sometimes I feel bad because he’s either with my parents or with Alfonso and I so he doesn’t get that interaction with kids his age. Then other times I see kids his age and I don’t want him to interact with them. They’re sponges. They take on everyone else’s personality. Some personalities don’t need to be taken on. On the 14th he starts a ballet folklorico class. I’m sooo excited about that one. Before he was born or even a premonition I wished that one of my nieces or nephews would want to do that. That was a no go. So I’m so glad that I can have him at least test the waters. I really hope he enjoys it. He’s such a fun kid. Such a bright personality. I’m not saying that just because I’m his mom.

We’ve taken on many much needed home projects. I didn’t know they’d be such a headache. They’re almost done though. Gracias a Dios. Just need the house painted and that part will be done. Then is the landscaping. AY AY AY! Our floors are disgusting but what’s the sense in keeping it up when the workers aka Alfonso keep walking in and out all day.

Alfonso. He’s good. He, like Diego, tests my patience. He helps. He helps a lot more than most men. I’m appreciative of that. He just doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. Pobrecito. I try to give him hints but he just doesn’t know how to follow through. In talking to other women I guess it’s not uncommon. Come on guys put some pep in your step. You want more nooky well give us some romance. I don’t care so much about candy and flowers. You should never buy a big girl candy anyway. I want you to plan the date, find a sitter and take me out. I’m tired of planning stuff. I think all damn day long, every day. It’s your turn. I make decisions for the family every damn day. It’s your turn. Use your cabezita a little. Holy smokes.
I love him with or without his romantic bone.
Overall. I’m happy. I’m blessed. (Have you noticed that word is overused these days?) I hope you are too.

Diego - Single Ladies

Validation

I’m proud that after being married and having a child I put Yamell Vidaña first. Without Yamell Vidaña none of this came to be. I must first love who I am before I can be any good to my husband and before I can be any good to my son. I’m proud of that. I don’t put Mami ahead of Me. I don’t put Wife ahead of Me. I put Me first then Wife then Child.

As a parent you always feel like you could have done a better job. I'm fairly new to this whole being a parent experience. For me it's difficult. It's the toughest job. I leave the house all day to work outside of my home. I see my son for a few hours before it’s time for the bedtime routine. I live with the guilt of not being with him these very special years. He’ll never know or understand the guilt I feel. He’ll never know how I always feel like a failure as a Mom. Don’t get me wrong I know I do a good job. Could I do better? Hell yes. It’s something I work towards daily. Could I be perfect? Definitely not.

Why are we as parents our own worst critics? Whether it’s potty training, sippy cups, discipline, foods, routines, bedtimes, etc. Someone is always there to remind you, you can do better. Because they think they have. Remember your way is not always the better way. Your experience is not always the better experience. Your adventures in parenthood will not always be mine. And mine will not always be yours. Most of us do our best. That’s all we can do and that’s what we must remind ourselves of.

Where this whole long story is bringing me to is this. There are so many things I’m grateful for. There are so many moments where I wonder “does Diego really love me?”. I ask myself this because for some reason being loved helps you feel validated. It’s such an adrenaline filled feeling. Yesterday and today before I left Diego cried. “Mami no te vayas. Acuestate Mami”. (Mommy don’t leave. Lay down Mommy). While it broke my heart (see part about feeling guilty), he made me feel needed and loved. Like I’m doing my job right. Today I feel loved.

None

I haven't posted in an eternity. I thorry. It's not because I've been busy it's just because I lack interest. When I feel the umph I don't have the time nor the energy to get this party started.

My baby will be 3. THREE! TRES! WTF?! Where did time go? He's crazier than ever. It's true what they say about boys. We didn't go through any terrible 2's. The crazy ass 3's are starting. He's a pain in the arse. He has the best personality. Like his mom. Okay no but seriously he does have a great personality. He knows how to laugh at himself when he knows he's being silly. He's bilingual. (I'm trying to write right this second and was just interrupted. see I'm not just making excuses. How would these people make it if I didn't exist? I hope the magnet falls off my ass soon.) Sorry lost my train of thought. Point is my kid is great. When he's sleeping and occasionally when he's awake. I joke. He's great and his smile lights up my world.

I joined Weight Watchers in June. I've lost slowly but I've lost. I don't want to give up the only thing that makes me happy. Liquor. I feel better.

In October will be 5 years that Alfonso and I decided to join our hands in holy matrimony. 5 years! Damnnnnnnn! I don't know how I've done it. Seriously. I don't know how he's done it. My patient lover! We've decided that we want to renew our vows. Some people think it's too soon. I say hey man. I love this fellar and he loves me. We've been married for almost 5 and together for 12. In just the 5 years we've loved, lost, sacrificed and learned the meaning of unconditional love. We've miscarried. We've suffered illnesses (minor) and are still attracted to each other after all we've seen. ;-) We've had a child and learned what it means to love endlessly. We've struggled and triumphed financially. Most of all we've had each other and loved each other through all of it.

I see that our petty fights over what fast food place we're going to stop at or why he's always gotta be falling asleep everywhere are just that. Petty. I admit it. It's admitting you're wrong and being able to say you're sorry. It's being honest even when it hurts. It's loving each other even when your gas is so bad you can clear out a neighborhood block. It's him taking care of me after my c-section. Being comfortable with him and knowing that no matter what he sees he's still going to think his wife is the hottest chick on the planet. It's looking at him and saying "Damn. You're all mine sucka!". It's seeing the look in his eye when our son does something extraordinary. It's seeing his facial expression when he's proud of me. It's the butterflies I still get when I know it's time to come home and he's going to be here waiting for me. It's looking at each other with tears in your eyes and silence. No words need to be said because you already know what the other is thinking.

I don't need 10, 15, 25 or 50 years to tell me what I know now. I love this man and he loves me. I'd marry him time and time again.

Hi

I'm well. I hope you weren't worried.

I wish I could find time to keep up with this but it's almost impossible. Between work and home and all things in between it's too hard to find the energy to write. My mind goes blank and I really don't know what to tell you.

I'd love to chronicle Diego's milestones and the things he says and does on a daily basis. I'd love it. I can't do it.

I'd love to write about how exciting my life is. I can't do it. Mainly because it's not very exciting and I don't think you'd like to read about the laundry that's never ending and that the dish washer runs way more often than I do.

I'd love to write about how down I've been for over a month now but I don't want it in writing. Not on here. Every day is a struggle. In no way am I saying I'm depressed but I'm disappointed. Know that my husband is great and so is my son. It has everything to do with me and nothing to do with them.

I'd love to write about how my mom has had a lot to do with the person I am today. I'd love to say it has had only a positive impact. It hasn't. I can't place sole blame on her because I have the power to change it now.

I am happy and excited to say that this weekend I've been happier than I have been in a few weeks.

I don't share my feelings well because it really doesn't do any good. More often I end up feeling alone, so I just keep it to myself or let it out on my husband. God bless him for the burden he carries on his shoulders every day. For him I am truly grateful.

I always talked shit about Myspace. I still do.

I'm on Facebook. I think you know my name. Look me up if you'd like or e-mail me and I'll tell you my name. ;-)

Thanks for listening. I hope I have more to post soon. I just had a free second for once in a long time and I thought I'd let you know that I'm still alive and kickin'. Not so much kickin' but I'm alive and that's great!

Cucha

I don't have too much going on but wanted to post pics of Diego. In May he got his 2nd haircut. 2nd was a whole lot better than the 1st and much better than the do it yourselfers we did in between. He has a hair "style" but we only do that when we go out. So here are the before and after. No. The before was not a bowl cut in case it appears to be.

His new hair cut makes him look like a big boy. Ohhh me no likey big boy. He's always going to be my widdle baby.

He's talking more and more my little sponge. He watches "Hip Hop Harry" and when the big furry thing says "Now somebody scream!" Diego lifts his arms and screams. The first time he did made me laugh so hard. I need to get it on video. He also sometimes says "Keam" when he feels like it. Which is him repeating "Somebody Scream" in his own vocab. He says "cucha" for cachucha(baseball cap) and "cacha" for chancla (slippers), "cuta" for caricatura (cartoons), carro, pipi, caca. I try to remember everything but it's hard to and then when I do I can't get on here fast enough to remember. Oh yeah Elmo. He does "pon pon pon" while pushing his forefinger on to his palm. You know "pon pon pon dame un medio de jabon pa' que labe tu calzon" cagao. We added the last part but he says "cao". Okay so we're a little dirty but his calzon is sometimes caga'o. Well his diaper is anyway. We'll be potty training soon. I hope he's easy. He'll be 2 years old in 2.5 months. Time flies huh. Oh yeah he says gracias "tachias". If you sneeze he says gracias. If he sneezes he says gracias. If you burp he says it. He also says it if you give him water or he's handing you something and he takes it. Oh nice manners that kid. He must have great parents. Wink wink.

Next year we may start trying for another. It's such hard work. I may be staying home but we'll see where the economy takes us.

Isn't it funny, how your whole life is defined by constant questions? I may have already blogged about this but here it goes again. When you're in high school it starts with "you going to college?" and so forth. Then you get "when are you getting married?" Which brings me to "when are you having kids?" "When are you having another?" If you've done none of the above it's "you don't understand because you're not married or you don't have kids. If you have one it's "you don't understand because you only have 1 and 1 isn't as hard as 2" And so on and so on and so on. MF's why you gotta ask so many dang questions? I have 1 and I have 1 husband and that's good for me RIGHT NOW. I'm living in this moment and when I get to have 2 children I'll live in that moment. I'm not trying to understand having multiple children. I barely understand one. I'm happy that I leave the house and go to work but SAHM's also know that it's hard work leaving and coming back and continuing to work. I'll tell you that my work at home is a whole lot harder than the work I do when I leave but it's two different realms. Physical and mental. Sometimes mental is a whole lot harder than physical. I come home damn tired sometimes and still have to cook, clean and all that stuff. Luckily though, I have someone who helps a hell of a lot more than about 95% of the men out there. Blessed. Truly blessed. Although, I do see times changing with men helping a lot more and I think it's great.

I'm getting writers cramp or carpel tunnel or whatever. My hand hurts is what I'm trying to say.

Deuces. I've been wanting to say that for a minute.

Edited to write: PS - There are new pics on the pic link. If you would like to see said pics e-mail me and I'll e-mail you the link.

All over the place

Hola con hola son dos holas. At least that's what my daddy says.

I visit your blogs almost daily. Though sometimes I don't comment because I have to click too many times and then type the word verification chingadera correctly and it can sometimes drive me to Xanax.

Remember a while back I told you about this pain that makes being in labor seem like a walk in the park? Well it's my gallbladder. Do you also remember me telling you that I had a CT scan and it wasn't my gallbladder but was diagnosed with acid reflux? It's my gallbladder. Did I mention that in a year they switched my acid reflux medication 3 times because nothing worked? It didn't work because it was my gosh darn gall bladder. Is gall bladder one word or two? It started out as one word and turned into two in the course of one paragraph. Anyway a month or more ago I had this pain that made me sweat and cry and lay on the tile floor to find relief. Oh I also vomited a few times in between rocking back and forth in the corner like rain man. My husband massaged my back so hard that I was sore for a minute. Finally after another ultrasound a year later they found that my gallbladder (back to one word) was inflamed and that I have a stone. Because I have frequent make you want to stub your toe on your bed chingaderas pain and I have a stone, they suggested surgery. So hasta la vista gallbladder. It's getting removed on June 4th. An early birthday present to myself. Although I did hear me some chorro horror stories. Please pray that I come out alive and chorro-less.

Diego wakes up saying mami and goes to sleep saying mami. He says "Oh yeah", mas, teta, leche, gabba gabba. Which by the way hasn't been on this week. Damn you Nick Jr. Bring that show back. Diego loves it. It taught him to shake his rump shaker. A lot of folks don't like it but I did and so did Diego. Diego says "No" a lot. Not to anything in particular. He basically talks to himself and then says no. So only he knows what he's protesting to. He loves to stick his hand in a drawer where I have a lot of kitchen tools. Don't worry CPS it's only the spatulas not the knives. He brings out whisks, spatulas, measuring cups. He doesn't play with them. He takes them out of the drawer goes to find me and then hands them to me. He sings "La Bamba" and "Cielito Lindo". Bababa ba is La Bamba and Ay ay ay ay is Cielito Lindo. He loves to dance. He says abuelito. He calls everyone Mami. He says "Moo" when he sees any animal. He's growing faster than fast.

I saw this movie last night and I'll recommend it to you. El Orfanato or The Orphanage. Fantastic movie. A little creepy with a crazy ass twist that left me bawling like the big effing baby that I am. Seriously. No joke. Alfonso had to console me.

My mom's in Mexico again. Guess who's watching Diego? Guess again? My dad. What?! Yep. I am more than grateful for him doing this for me. Never in a million years did I think he'd be changing his chato's diapers but he does. I love you Papi. Mil gracias. It has touched my heart in an indescribable way.

So I'm not sure if you remember but a minute ago I posted about the Ped-egg or Pedi-egg. Some kind of huevo. Anyway, I'm not sure if you remember my friend the jokester posting about how nasty she thinks it is. I still love it and I've heard so many other testimonials (because we're going to make a new infomercial for it) of people who do. So ped huevo call me because I'm endorsing it.

Work? is work. Gosh. I need to be Angelina Jolie. Who can hook that up for me?

Yesterday

Alfonso took Diego and left so I could get some me time in. And by me time I mean get laundry done, clean the kitchen and perhaps even shower. It doesn't matter really what I do in the time they're gone just as long as I feel I've accomplished something. I did. I tried to read "A New Earth" the new Oprah book club book earlier in the day while Diego played. Didn't really happen for me. Diego likes to sit on my head these days. It's hard to read with a pamper covering your eyes. Try it. It's quite challenging.

I'm also recovering from the stomach flu. What a fun couple of days that was. 7 lb in two days folks. Lost. I mean that's a new diet tactic for me but it's not as fun as I'd like the adventure to be.

Thoughts interrupted by child waking up from nap.

Here's a picture of the culprit.

You are

Haven’t written in a while not because I don’t want to talk to you but because it’s hard to find the time these days. I sound like a broken record.

M’ijo I wanted to write these things down before I forget. These days you’re blowing kisses not just putting your hand to your mouth but actually smacking your lips. You say your own version of “uh oh”. O. Not Oh. O. You say Mama, Papa, Si, Agua, Baby, Maya (abuelito/a’s dog), Manchas (Tio Pirri’s Dog). You’ve started to throw some temper tantrums. Mami doesn’t like it. Stop. You’ve started letting me know when you’re sleepy. “Tienes sueño” “Chi”. I remembered today when you were smaller and your hair started to fall out. You were left with this big long hair on top of your head. I loved it. I think it was cut with your first bad hair cut. You love most veggies. Love carrots and green beans. You don’t care for strawberries. You love apples, bananas and grapes and really anything I give you. Today I gave you huevo with machaca and you loved it. You’re an awesome eater and I thank you for not being picky. You love your water and that’s your drink of choice. Papi has been bathing you almost every night since you could pull yourself up and stand. Mami doesn’t have the strength to fight you. It’s bonding time for you and Papi and it helps me get your stuff ready for the next day. This week I’ve been working afternoons only, because your abuelita is in Mexico. Again. I’ve enjoyed every temper tantrum having second of it. I’m going to miss you next week when I don’t get to spend my mornings with you. I hope you’ll feel the same. I know I’ve messed up Abuelita’s schedule but well you’re not with Abuelita. You’ve got to spend time with your Tia Ana and cousins this week. I’m happy for that because that doesn’t happen often. They love you. That makes me happy. You like to play with your pichi mirri chirri while I change your diaper. Sometimes I think you’re going to pull it off. Please don’t. You’ll need that to give me grandbabies in 50 years. Oh I’ve picked up the letter Q from your FridgePhonics about 50 times today. Can you pick a different letter to throw on the floor? You love Jack’s Big Music Show and Yo Gabba Gabba. You love Baby Einstein DVD’s. You’re starting to like cartoons but not as much as all the shows that have puppets. I’ll write more as I remember more m’ijo. I just didn’t want to forget any of these things that have come to mind. I love you is an understatement. There are no words for how I feel about you. You brighten my days.

Edited to add: I remembered more. The other day when I was driving home from work you and Papi were taking a walk. I pulled along side you and as soon as you saw me you started to clap. You were so excited to see me. When you saw me drive off you cried. Even though I was about 5 ft away from you, you thought I was going to leave you. It made my day to see you get so excited to see me. You were playing outside with Papi the other day and thought you had a short step well the sidewalk is higher than you think. You ate some dirt. Literally. You say cheese when we take your picture. Well it's more like shees.

I wrote this in English because I'm pretty sure that by the time you're able to read you'll be able to speak and understand English as well. I hope you know that it makes me happy that Spanish is your first language. Mine was too.

My First Meeting with Santa

Diego's 1

Hijo querido. Hace un año entraste al mundo. No te digo que entraste a mi corazón porque eso lo hiciste el segundo que vi tu corazoncito latiendo. Has cambiado mi vida como no te lo imaginas. Me has dado valor cuando antes me sentía cobarde. Me has hecho sentir una felicidad inexplicable. La primera vez que escuche tu llanto. La primera vez que te vi supe que tu y yo íbamos a ser inseparables. Tu primera carcajada. Tus primeros dientitos. El primer besito que me diste, todas cosas que nunca olvidare. Una sonrisa tuya es suficiente para subirme a las nubes. Y eso que es tu primer año. Hay mucho mas por venir amorcito. Te regañare y te vas a enojar pero quiero que sepas que es por tu bien y que solo quiero protegerte. Siempre serás mi bebe y nadie te quitara tu lugar. Te amo mi niño.

My dearest son. You entered the world one year ago. I won’t tell you that you entered my heart because you did that the second I saw your little heart beating. You’ve changed my world in ways you can’t even imagine. You’ve given me courage when before I felt like such a coward. You’ve made me feel this unexplainable happiness. The first time I heard you cry. The first time I saw you I knew that you and I were going to be inseparable. Your first laugh. Your first teeth. The first kiss you ever gave me, all things I’ll never forget. One smile of yours is enough to send me into the clouds. And it’s only your first year. There are so many more things to come my love. I’ll scold you and you’ll get mad at me but I want you to know it’s for your own good and that I only want to protect you. You’ll always be my baby and no one will ever take your place. I love you my little boy.

One year ago

One year ago I was wondering what you looked like. Who you’d most resemble? I was wondering if I was going to be a good mom. If you would love me.

I was scared that you weren’t going to come home with me. They said that you’d have to stay there until your due date. You wanted to come home early. You were determined to come home early.

One year ago my life changed forever.

I want you to want me

So many stories to tell so little time. So many thoughts run thru my mind and I so badly want to transfer them on to paper anywhere really but move them out of my mind.

A good friend of mine “E” wants me to tell you this story. A story about a daddy trying to put his son to sleep. Erase una vez a wonderful husband was trying to put his son back to sleep. He didn’t want to wake his wife and ask for help so he did only what he thought he should. He hummed him a song. He’s heard me hum and sing “You are my sunshine” to Diego many times. He doesn’t know the lyrics and really neither do I. I sing only the chorus and that does the trick. The trick in our case is calm Diego down. I’m laying in bed at it’s so late at night thirty. I hear him humming. I listen closer. I open my eyes briefly and say to myself. “Is he humming ‘I want you to want me’?” I fell back asleep and the next day while I’m having a conversation with said friend, I remembered. I called him to ask him if in fact he was humming a Cheap Trick song to Diego. “Si pues es que empecé con you are my chanchine y no me acordaba de la canción así que termine con I want you to want me. Se durmió así que significa que hice algo bien”. It worked my friends. I’m contacting Cheap Trick and asking them to put out a lullaby cd.

After telling this story to E she said that stories like that make her want to have kids. It made me happy. Not that she wants to be in club Mom but that I don’t make motherhood look dreadful. I shouldn’t say “I” because there’s no “I” in team. We make parenthood look doable (I started to say fun but then decided that maybe that’s not the word). It’s a whole lot of hard work but it’s all worth it when in the end you can put a smile on that little pedazo de carne’s face.

What ma Baby Doing?