Motivate

I want to be able to maintain this. I do. I really do. I don’t always have a lot to say and when I do I don’t want to always be complaining and venting. Not that I have an image to maintain but I don’t want to put all that negativity out there.

I’m still doing the WW thing. A couple of weeks ago I lost the motivation. I’m working on getting that back. I feel like crap and I don’t want to go back up. It’s so hard. It’s such a struggle. My weight issues stem from my childhood. I have to work through all of that in addition to just controlling portions. Controlling emotions is exhausting and such a daily struggle. I often wonder if I’m alone. Everyone, my whole life has always told me how moody I am. Which by the way doesn’t help me. It’s like telling me I’m fat. How does that help me? I’m not sure so rethink your approach. I’ve lost 33 and probably gained back 5 in the last week. The motivation loss started when the weather started getting warmer and things slowed down at work. I want to be home or outside (not hiking or fishing or bike riding) playing with Diego or watching him play but I don’t really want to be here. I have to get that motivation back. They say with weight loss you gain energy. I haven’t gained a damn bit of energy. WW says to eat filling foods and you won’t feel hungry. I feel hungry damn it! I feel hungry and like taking a nap. I’m putting it out there to whoever is listening – I NEED MOTIVATION!!!!

Diego is growing like crazy. I guess kids do that. He’s becoming a rebelde. Testing my patience. Every. Day. 99% of the time he’s a good kid. Right now he’s at the stage where he talks. Non stop. Non.Stop. Not too long ago I enrolled him in a sports class with the county. $18 for 6 weeks. Not bad. They do a different sport every week. He wants it to be basketball every week and then we get home and he tries to teach me stuff. At least he gets to play with kids. Sometimes I feel bad because he’s either with my parents or with Alfonso and I so he doesn’t get that interaction with kids his age. Then other times I see kids his age and I don’t want him to interact with them. They’re sponges. They take on everyone else’s personality. Some personalities don’t need to be taken on. On the 14th he starts a ballet folklorico class. I’m sooo excited about that one. Before he was born or even a premonition I wished that one of my nieces or nephews would want to do that. That was a no go. So I’m so glad that I can have him at least test the waters. I really hope he enjoys it. He’s such a fun kid. Such a bright personality. I’m not saying that just because I’m his mom.

We’ve taken on many much needed home projects. I didn’t know they’d be such a headache. They’re almost done though. Gracias a Dios. Just need the house painted and that part will be done. Then is the landscaping. AY AY AY! Our floors are disgusting but what’s the sense in keeping it up when the workers aka Alfonso keep walking in and out all day.

Alfonso. He’s good. He, like Diego, tests my patience. He helps. He helps a lot more than most men. I’m appreciative of that. He just doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. Pobrecito. I try to give him hints but he just doesn’t know how to follow through. In talking to other women I guess it’s not uncommon. Come on guys put some pep in your step. You want more nooky well give us some romance. I don’t care so much about candy and flowers. You should never buy a big girl candy anyway. I want you to plan the date, find a sitter and take me out. I’m tired of planning stuff. I think all damn day long, every day. It’s your turn. I make decisions for the family every damn day. It’s your turn. Use your cabezita a little. Holy smokes.
I love him with or without his romantic bone.
Overall. I’m happy. I’m blessed. (Have you noticed that word is overused these days?) I hope you are too.

Hi

I'm well. I hope you weren't worried.

I wish I could find time to keep up with this but it's almost impossible. Between work and home and all things in between it's too hard to find the energy to write. My mind goes blank and I really don't know what to tell you.

I'd love to chronicle Diego's milestones and the things he says and does on a daily basis. I'd love it. I can't do it.

I'd love to write about how exciting my life is. I can't do it. Mainly because it's not very exciting and I don't think you'd like to read about the laundry that's never ending and that the dish washer runs way more often than I do.

I'd love to write about how down I've been for over a month now but I don't want it in writing. Not on here. Every day is a struggle. In no way am I saying I'm depressed but I'm disappointed. Know that my husband is great and so is my son. It has everything to do with me and nothing to do with them.

I'd love to write about how my mom has had a lot to do with the person I am today. I'd love to say it has had only a positive impact. It hasn't. I can't place sole blame on her because I have the power to change it now.

I am happy and excited to say that this weekend I've been happier than I have been in a few weeks.

I don't share my feelings well because it really doesn't do any good. More often I end up feeling alone, so I just keep it to myself or let it out on my husband. God bless him for the burden he carries on his shoulders every day. For him I am truly grateful.

I always talked shit about Myspace. I still do.

I'm on Facebook. I think you know my name. Look me up if you'd like or e-mail me and I'll tell you my name. ;-)

Thanks for listening. I hope I have more to post soon. I just had a free second for once in a long time and I thought I'd let you know that I'm still alive and kickin'. Not so much kickin' but I'm alive and that's great!

Cucha

I don't have too much going on but wanted to post pics of Diego. In May he got his 2nd haircut. 2nd was a whole lot better than the 1st and much better than the do it yourselfers we did in between. He has a hair "style" but we only do that when we go out. So here are the before and after. No. The before was not a bowl cut in case it appears to be.

His new hair cut makes him look like a big boy. Ohhh me no likey big boy. He's always going to be my widdle baby.

He's talking more and more my little sponge. He watches "Hip Hop Harry" and when the big furry thing says "Now somebody scream!" Diego lifts his arms and screams. The first time he did made me laugh so hard. I need to get it on video. He also sometimes says "Keam" when he feels like it. Which is him repeating "Somebody Scream" in his own vocab. He says "cucha" for cachucha(baseball cap) and "cacha" for chancla (slippers), "cuta" for caricatura (cartoons), carro, pipi, caca. I try to remember everything but it's hard to and then when I do I can't get on here fast enough to remember. Oh yeah Elmo. He does "pon pon pon" while pushing his forefinger on to his palm. You know "pon pon pon dame un medio de jabon pa' que labe tu calzon" cagao. We added the last part but he says "cao". Okay so we're a little dirty but his calzon is sometimes caga'o. Well his diaper is anyway. We'll be potty training soon. I hope he's easy. He'll be 2 years old in 2.5 months. Time flies huh. Oh yeah he says gracias "tachias". If you sneeze he says gracias. If he sneezes he says gracias. If you burp he says it. He also says it if you give him water or he's handing you something and he takes it. Oh nice manners that kid. He must have great parents. Wink wink.

Next year we may start trying for another. It's such hard work. I may be staying home but we'll see where the economy takes us.

Isn't it funny, how your whole life is defined by constant questions? I may have already blogged about this but here it goes again. When you're in high school it starts with "you going to college?" and so forth. Then you get "when are you getting married?" Which brings me to "when are you having kids?" "When are you having another?" If you've done none of the above it's "you don't understand because you're not married or you don't have kids. If you have one it's "you don't understand because you only have 1 and 1 isn't as hard as 2" And so on and so on and so on. MF's why you gotta ask so many dang questions? I have 1 and I have 1 husband and that's good for me RIGHT NOW. I'm living in this moment and when I get to have 2 children I'll live in that moment. I'm not trying to understand having multiple children. I barely understand one. I'm happy that I leave the house and go to work but SAHM's also know that it's hard work leaving and coming back and continuing to work. I'll tell you that my work at home is a whole lot harder than the work I do when I leave but it's two different realms. Physical and mental. Sometimes mental is a whole lot harder than physical. I come home damn tired sometimes and still have to cook, clean and all that stuff. Luckily though, I have someone who helps a hell of a lot more than about 95% of the men out there. Blessed. Truly blessed. Although, I do see times changing with men helping a lot more and I think it's great.

I'm getting writers cramp or carpel tunnel or whatever. My hand hurts is what I'm trying to say.

Deuces. I've been wanting to say that for a minute.

Edited to write: PS - There are new pics on the pic link. If you would like to see said pics e-mail me and I'll e-mail you the link.

Pet Peeve #12,522

Boots when the morning temp is 62 and the high for the day is low 90's. Just because it's chilly in the morning doesn't mean that you should wear boots or your trench coat. We live in Las Vegas and winter doesn't come for a while honey.

I Hate Sundays!

It used to be that I hated Sundays because that would mean I never knew when I’d see Alfonso again. In the beginning our relationship was weird. I’m not sure the word relationship is the correct term but it was what it was. I would leave his house in tears because I didn’t want Sunday to end.

Now I hate Sundays because it means that Monday I don’t get to see Diego for most of the day. It may sound silly to some of you but it’s the honest truth. Our weekends with him are so precious. He’s such a good boy. I couldn’t have asked for a bigger blessing. I just miss him so much. It’s not getting easier. My stomach is in knots when I think of dropping him off. I get the correle que te alcanzo because of the anxiety. TMI? Maybe. Stay at home parents are really lucky. I would love nothing more than to stay at home with him and teach him new things. The guilt I feel is sometimes unbearable. Sundays suck because it reminds me of all of the above.

On a happier note, Alfonso and I went out this weekend and had such a good time that I woke up with a German accent. It was Dusty’s 30th Birthday and we had a grand ol’ time. Diego stayed with my Brother in law and Sister in law. They adore him. Diego’s cousins were so happy to see him. I felt comfortable knowing he was in loving hands and that I knew she wouldn’t try to feed him stuff I don’t give him. She listened to what I had to tell her and didn’t make me feel bad about it. I felt like a mom for the first time. I worried about him all night and when Alfonso suggested in his drunken stupor that he spend the night, I said NO! Next time though we may have to have him spend the night. I really need some time alone with my man. We’re forgetting how to be novios. I want to be his novia not be mom and wife only all the time. I’m sure he feels the same way.

I’ve also felt a little bit closer to his family. I’ve been IM’ing with his nieces and nephew in Mexico. They’re so cute. Even though they’re younger it has still made me feel good to talk to them and at least know that someone likes me. That’s why leaving D with my in-law’s was such a big step for me. Feeling comfortable with it was an even bigger one. I have a good feeling about it.

I miss my mom. So in case you couldn’t tell, me siento melancólica. I’ve been sad for some days now. Just feeling lonely, tired, annoyed. I wish I had more people around me that I had more stuff in common with. My good friends are all single or don’t live here. It’s lonely being the only one with a baby and working. I have no one to vent to that will truly understand what I feel and give me their honest opinions on what I’m doing. I don’t dig the shake the head and agree with me thing and then walking away talking about me. Me no diggy. The secret. The secret will bring me people I have stuff in common with who are true to themselves. I can’t ask for your opinion if I don’t agree with your lifestyle. My friends are good for their honest opinion though, I’ll give them that. We’re just all on separate pages these days and I’m just feeling a little isolated. Woe is me. Hope I didn’t depress you.