Hi

I'm well. I hope you weren't worried.

I wish I could find time to keep up with this but it's almost impossible. Between work and home and all things in between it's too hard to find the energy to write. My mind goes blank and I really don't know what to tell you.

I'd love to chronicle Diego's milestones and the things he says and does on a daily basis. I'd love it. I can't do it.

I'd love to write about how exciting my life is. I can't do it. Mainly because it's not very exciting and I don't think you'd like to read about the laundry that's never ending and that the dish washer runs way more often than I do.

I'd love to write about how down I've been for over a month now but I don't want it in writing. Not on here. Every day is a struggle. In no way am I saying I'm depressed but I'm disappointed. Know that my husband is great and so is my son. It has everything to do with me and nothing to do with them.

I'd love to write about how my mom has had a lot to do with the person I am today. I'd love to say it has had only a positive impact. It hasn't. I can't place sole blame on her because I have the power to change it now.

I am happy and excited to say that this weekend I've been happier than I have been in a few weeks.

I don't share my feelings well because it really doesn't do any good. More often I end up feeling alone, so I just keep it to myself or let it out on my husband. God bless him for the burden he carries on his shoulders every day. For him I am truly grateful.

I always talked shit about Myspace. I still do.

I'm on Facebook. I think you know my name. Look me up if you'd like or e-mail me and I'll tell you my name. ;-)

Thanks for listening. I hope I have more to post soon. I just had a free second for once in a long time and I thought I'd let you know that I'm still alive and kickin'. Not so much kickin' but I'm alive and that's great!

Mi Amigo

When I was in junior high school I met a boy. He was chubby, cute and dressed nice. My “best friend” and I use the term loosely because in junior high, do you really know what a best friend is? I’ll talk about her some other time but to get to the point is that said “best friend” liked him. She really “liked” everyone. And by liked I mean, um how shall I say this delicately, screwed them. Without using more vulgarity which I normally use but the kids are still up. Well she liked him. I’m not sure if they did the hibbidy dibbidy or not. I hung out with them. As I did w/ her and all the boys she “liked”. I decided at that point that I had a little bit of a crush on him after her and I stopped being best friends. I can’t remember how it all went down but we ended up becoming close friends. But we did. We would walk home together. He would wait with me while I waited for my little brother to get out of school. All the while I had a crush on him and he never knew it. Then one day it happened. We kissed. We’d go on as if nothing happened then once again. We kissed. And thru the years this was our friendship. It never went past a kiss. It never went past the crush. It could have but I think in our younger years we were too dumb to realize what was going on.

We went to high school together. My high school boyfriend was extremely jealous of him. Everyone always though him and I were a couple. We weren’t, just close friends. We ran to each other every time we needed someone. He wasn’t someone I could have deep conversations with but someone I went to to forget what was going on in my life at the moment and vice versa. He treated me as if I was one of the boys.

We remained friends after high school. He had children. Our friendship continued. His baby momma hated me. All his girlfriends did. They saw us as more then just friends. We weren’t it just happened to be that we had something in common. We had chemistry. She didn’t like the bond we shared. He didn’t care. I was his friend. Time went on and our lives went in different directions. He remained the same. I matured. I’d see him out and we’d greet each other like long lost friends. Nothing changed in the years we missed out on each others lives. I invited him to my housewarming not thinking he’d come. He did. Our chemistry changed. We were no longer the same people we were before. We were no longer those friends that pulled each others hair and punched each other when we made a funny. We were strangers.

I received a phone call about a week before Diego was born. He was in the hospital. He had diabetes and should have stopped drinking. Sounded like him. He always thought he was invincible. He ended up in ICU holding on to his life. He pulled through. Diego was born 2 days before my dear friend’s birthday. The years can pass but he’ll always remain my friend. A few months ago my phone rang, it was another dear friend. Jose and him were my friends forever. We were always together. I was always the only girl. All the estrogen they could handle.

Another phone call. Jose passed away. He was 34. 34. How can someone pass away at 34. He had his whole life ahead of him. He hadn’t walked his daughters down the aisle. He hadn’t even married. I truly don’t think he ever experienced true love. Love that is reciprocated. By someone other than his children. I forever will remember him. Not the him that was the drinker. The him that only I knew. The him that would tell me what a catch I was and lift my spirits when they were broken by a boy. The him that I knew he was going to become one day. The him that his momma knew.